Courtship for Dummies
by Lime Daiquiri
Summary: Allen disagrees with the rest of the Order, God doesn't love him, otherwise why would he be forced to 'woo' Kanda at gun point, figuratively speaking, by a crazy and overprotective General. AllenxKanda
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter One**

Allen and Kanda were stuck once more in one of their regular arguments in the dining hall. As both Kanda's soba and Allen's towering pile of food lay forgotten by their respective owners, the other occupants in the room quickly backed away from the two exorcists whose attention was fixed solely on each other.

It had started with the same old progression of insults. ("You eat too much Moyashi" "My name is Allen, Bakanda!") By now they had reached the point of the fight where they had run out of their usual insults and had settled for glaring at each other. Witnesses to these frequent scenes would swear they could see sparks flying from their angry gazes and a gathering of storm clouds overhead.

It was at this point General Tiedoll entered the dining hall, instantly drawn to the hostility at the far side of the room. His eyes narrowed in anger as he immediately hastened towards the younger exorcists, whose glaring contest came to an abrupt end as Tiedoll forcefully dragged Kanda away from Allen. Allen would have laughed at the shock on Kanda's face, who was being held securely against the General's chest, if his own face wasn't set in a similar state of shock as Tiedoll glowered down at him like an overprotective parent. Luckily for him, Lavi was paying close attention and even dared to take a few steps closer to the action for a better view.

Before either of the stunned exorcists could formulate a response to the unexpected development General Tiedoll let rip.

"How dare you try to corrupt my Yu-chan! Gazing at him passionately in public, you shameless lothario!"

Allen's jaw dropped, Kanda looked like he was choking and Lavi was tempted to take notes. Marie, who was standing just behind Tiedoll gave a slight nod to indicate his agreement with his Master's outcry.

"My poor boy subjected to such travesty, trying to deflower his innocence behind my back! You beast! No more! I shall defend my son's honour from you rogue, so stay back, dirty minded scoundrel. I'll have your guts strung up like Christmas lights if you so much as think about stealing my Yu-chan's virtue, you mangy cur!"

Allen swallowed nervously as a dangerous glint in Tiedoll's eyes was directed at him. Raising his hands in a submissive manner he took a step back and opened his mouth to try and clear up the unbelievable misunderstanding. Unfortunately for him the drama was taken to a continuing level of absurdity with the entrance of his own Master; General Cross, universally acknowledged womanizer and proud of it.

Tiedoll, catching sight of Cross who had presently swaggered into the dining hall, turned his tirade in a new direction.

"You braggart! It's all your fault, teaching your student your licentious ways!"

However Tiedoll was unable to continue anymore with his rant as tears broke forth, alongside an effusion of snot at the thought of anyone trying to defile his cute Yu-chan.

Allen felt like crying, Kanda was bent double as he persisted to choke and Lavi had succumbed to taking notes.

General Cross taking stock of the room, moved to his apprentice, a smile taking form on his face. Allen anticipated a sharp blow to the head as Cross came to a stop just beside him.

"I'm proud of you, baka apprentice. Finally becoming a man, at least I managed to teach you something, took your sweet time though, for a while I thought you were deformed in some way, apart from the obvious." Cross waved his hand inattentively in the direction of Allen's red hand, while studying Kanda's figure.

At this point Kanda had managed to regain his composure and promptly fought off Tiedol's hands in order to shout his denials to the accusations of his Master, who exclaimed in response:

"You don't have to be afraid anymore, I'm going to save you!"

"Baka, shut up! I hate the damn Moyashi."

"That's it, let it out. Tell Papa everything!"

Losing it, Kanda fell back to cursing and throwing whatever came to hand, which happened to consist of Allen's forgotten dinner, all utensils included. Tiedoll, moving with the skill that could only be harnessed by a General of the Black Order was managing to deflect all of Kanda's projectiles with a single plate. Allen idly noticed that Kanda hadn't brandished Mugen at the General and thought to himself that later, when alone in his room, he would cry about the loss of all that mouth-watering food.

It was Cross who interrupted Allen's musings as he'd finished his perusal of Kanda's body. He spoke with complete seriousness, a look of intense concentration on his face.

"She's a bit…well manly, an athletic body, clear skin, sexy long hair and damn that's a fine ass, well done."

Suddenly a spoon flew past their heads and a fork landed in the table in front of them, embedded in the wood.

"I'm a man, asshole!" Kanda managed to spare them a glare before continuing to fend off Tiedoll.

"Oh and feisty too! You lucky bastard!"

Cross didn't seem to be bothered by Kanda's revelation, but his smile did take on a rather creepy, perverse edge as he again focused on watching Kanda. The spectators of the unfolding drama, enthralled by the events so far, switching between the infuriated Kanda with General Tiedoll and the pitiful Allen with General Cross, now seemed to be waiting for Allen's reply to his Master's comments. Even Lavi was looking at him expectantly, pen poised for action. Therefore, doing the only logical thing he could think of, Allen ran.

Kanda, following Allen's example grabbed his soba, which had miraculously remained unharmed in the preceding activities, and also ran out of the hall, Tiedoll close at his heels.

The spectators soon broke the stunned silence with excited chatter, ensuring that the whole event would soon be known throughout the Black Order's headquarters.

--TBC--


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Two**

Allen had been hiding in the Ark in the Fourteenth's secret room for the better part of an hour, Timcampy resting on his head. Hearing loud growls from his stomach he was reminded that he hadn't eaten for a very long time. On a normal day, or as normal as most days spent in the Order, he would have made his way to the dining hall to eat Jerry's culinary delights without a second thought. But due to recent events he mentally debated the pros and cons of leaving the Ark.

Therefore it wasn't till another quarter of an hour had passed, while he listened to his stomach's growing despair before he finally decided that he would have to brave going out in search of food. It took him another 10 minutes after that before he had built up the courage to actually leave the Ark.

Creeping stealthily through corridors, he dodged people at every turn, not wanting to have to deal with anything that had happened; it wasn't his fault damn it! How was he supposed to know General Tiedoll was a loony?

Crouching at the corner of a busy hallway he decided to make a run for it, however reaching the next turning he bumped into someone so violently he was thrown to the floor.

Looking up his face froze, Lavi stood above him, and he seemed to be barely containing his mirth, tears threatening to fall from his eye. Unable to control himself any longer, Lavi burst into hysterical laughter.

Trying to limit the amount of attention that would be brought to them, Allen quickly moved from his position on the floor to drag Lavi away. Which Allen found to be quite hard, since the person he was dragging couldn't hold up his own weight, almost buckling several times, as a result of the force of his own laughter. Pulling him to the dining hall Allen hoped no one would talk to him if Lavi was already with him. He'd have to talk to Lavi about this at some point anyway.

Feeling the stares of the people in the dining hall as they walked in, Allen hurriedly made his order, thanked Jerry, and found a seat that was relatively isolated. Lavi was of no help at all as he leant against a chair catching his breath before he was pulled once more by Allen, to his chair. Not bothering to pay anymore attention to Lavi, Allen consumed his food with superhuman speed.

After about 5 minutes when Allen had successfully eaten everything in sight and Lavi had calmed down, Allen again felt the need to run away. Instead they looked at each other, in an uncomfortable silence.

"AAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHA."

"LAVI!"

"Just..ahaha…give me a moment…ahahahahaa. Best day of my life. Ahaahahaha." Wiping the tears from his eye, Lavi composed himself once more, although a stupid grin was plastered across his face, much to Allen's consternation.

"So, you and Kanda eh? You dirty rascal or should I say mangy cur? Allen-kun all grown up and breaking hearts!"

"Lavi, shut up! I haven't done anything! And I think Kanda's an asshole!"

"I wouldn't say that too loud if I was you, General Tiedoll is still on a rampage. After you ran off, Kanda went and locked himself in his room; Tiedoll is convinced he was so upset that you didn't stay to declare your undying love that he is hiding. I think Marie has been ordered to beat you up if you show any indication of breaking Kanda's heart."

A loud thud resounded as Allen began to repeatedly bang his head against the table. Eventually running out of energy to do even that, he collapsed, head on the table, radiating defeat.

"Oh God, what do I do?" Taking pity on him, Lavi patted his head gently.

"Hey, it could be worse." Turning his face slightly to the side, Lavi could see Allen's expression of despair.

"How could it possibly get any worse?"

"Kanda could kill you?" A new voice chimed into the conversation.

"I think right now, Lenalee, that would make things a lot easier." Smiling pityingly at Allen she went to sit beside him.

"Don't worry Allen-kun, it'll all blow over soon. No one actually believes you are trying to seduce Kanda-kun."

"But General Tiedoll hates me!"

"General Cross is quite proud of you though."

"That just makes things worse!" Before either Lenalee or Lavi could reply, a blur suddenly pulled Lenalee back.

Allen experienced a sense of deja-vu as he was yet again on the receiving end of a protective guardian glaring at him. Pointing at Allen, Komui started his rant.

"Lenalee! My cute Lenalee! Don't go near him, I have it on good authority that this man is a beast! A BEAST I tell you! Luring young innocents with his deceptively naïve face! I too was deceived by him, but I will protect you Lenalee! If you lay one finger on my Lenalee I will permanently attach an octopus to your head!"

Used to such random outbursts from her brother, she regained her wits a lot quicker then Kanda and kicked his head.

"Brother, you idiot, Allen isn't like that, it's just all a big misunderstanding!"

Komui whimpered in pain at the assault, physical and verbal, but was still determined to shield Lenalee from the perceived threat and tried to usher her behind his back. Stopping Lenalee's lecture to her brother, Allen intervened.

"Lenalee, stop, you should go before this gets out of hand."

"Aha! See how he throws his interests aside when dealt hardships, he is not worthy! Get up! To my office now, we will discuss your behaviour where my Komurin IX can keep a close watch on you!"

Allen was hastily marched out of the dining hall, peering back in disbelief he caught Lenalee's look of apology while Lavi appeared to be trapped between laughing and cringing.

**--Interlude of an Angry Father--**

Froi Tiedoll was not happy; in fact happy was possibly the emotion furthest away from him right now. He was however incredibly angry and upset.

His youngest son, the most fragile was being molested in his own home! If he'd known the situation his son had been forced to endure at the Black Order's headquarters he would have insisted that Yu-chan came with him on his travels, or that Marie or Daisya were to be present whenever the Cross brat returned to headquarters.

But his child wanted to be so independent, trying to do everything on his own and he'd respected that, backed off to allow Yu-chan the chance to grow on his own, completely against his own wishes. Except he could no longer take a back seat in his child's life, not with such a threat on the horizon, and what was more important then his youngest son's virtue remaining intact from unscrupulous characters? No doubt Cross would have taught his apprentice well, especially with the number of years spent in his care travelling the world, Walker was practically his prodigy!

He was pacing up and down in his own quarters, Noise Marie and his new son Choaji Han watching him. Choaji looked confused but Marie would fill him in later, Marie understood his anger, they were family; Yu-chan was his baby boy and they were his older brothers, they needed to protect him.

If only Yu-chan would open his door and let him talk to him properly, he could convince him that the scoundrel wasn't worth it and to turn his attention to more worthwhile interests. However the longer Yu-chan stayed locked up in his room the more it confirmed his worst fears. Yu-chan had been completely taken in by the rascal; he was in love with Walker! And hurt that Walker would not treat him with more respect and court him properly. Even more hurt to find out that Walker was nothing more then a common womanizer; well his child deserved better then that! If Walker was what Yu-chan wanted then that's what he would get! His father would make sure of it!

With every new thought that entered his head, he became more irate and upon reaching a conclusion to his thoughts he suddenly stopped pacing. Turning to his sons he spoke to Marie.

"You have my permission to use whatever force you deem as necessary if you think Walker steps out of line. I'm going to see Komui."

He immediately rushed out of the room, heading in the direction of Komui's office; they had some business to discuss.

**--Interlude of an Angry Father--**

--TBC--


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Three**

Landing awkwardly after being tossed into Komui's office, Allen was hesitant to pull himself up after noticing General Tiedoll was also present in the room. Taking the choice away from him, Allen was hauled into the chair in front of Komui's desk. He could feel sweat dripping down the back of his neck as he was faced with the fierce glares of both Tiedoll and Komui.

Tiedoll's left eye twitched twice shortly before he decided to speak, in what could only be described as tightly contained anger.

"Knowing who your Master is, I wouldn't hesitate to tear you limb from limb, but it seems that my lovely Yu-chan has been taken in by your charms, so distraught by your actions that he has locked himself in his room, even refusing to talk to me; his loving Papa."

Here Tiedoll had to pause, taking a deep breath as if to calm himself before he could continue to talk. Allen's eyes were stretched so wide they looked like they were about to fall out. Anger once more in check Tiedoll carried on speaking and Komui just nodded in agreement to everything the General said.

"He is a very delicate flower, and though I raised him as best I could, it seems I was unable to protect him from your hands. So as the instigator of Yu-chan's anguish you shall be the one to fix it. You will give him the respect he demands and court him, do you understand?!"

It took a few moments for Allen to comprehend the General's words, involuntarily he squeaked:

"Wait. WHAT!"

"Court. Woo. Pursue or Seek the affection of my lovely Yu-chan, and you will mean it! You will prove that you are worthy of taking care of my wonderful son, if you don't or if you fail, I will make your battles with akuma look like insignificant skirmishes to the wrath I will unleash on your pitiful existence."

With Tiedoll stopping to take another breather it was Komui's turn to add his own threats.

"Such callous behaviour will not be tolerated within the Order and I will have no other choice but to force you to resume travelling with Master Cross, rather then live inside headquarters. If you so much as look at anyone but Kanda there will be hell to pay, and we will be watching you like hawks!"

Giving Allen a pointed look Komui further punctuated his threat with a firm squeeze to Allen's shoulder. Allen up until this point believing he could cope with the threats of pain and torture was willing to take his chances by refusing the command. But at the mention of his Master, his whole demeanour sank to new lows. He couldn't even contemplate having to deal with his Master's whores and debts again. Lowering his head he meekly gave his assent.

Kanda, who was still hiding in his room, suddenly felt a cold shudder run down his spine.

******

After Allen was released from the "meeting" he was forced into with Komui and Tiedoll, he disappeared into his own room. First taking a couple of hours to properly let everything sink in, followed by a couple of hours of cursing, screaming and contemplating who to kill first.

Finally, defeated, he sat down to think about what he had to do to accomplish his new mission. This prompted more cursing from the young exorcist. What did he know about courting someone? His main role model was Cross, emulating his behaviour would result in certain death, from Kanda or Tiedoll, probably both. He wouldn't put it past them to somehow find a way of resurrecting him just so that they could kill him again, especially if they had Komui on their side. He was so screwed.

Giving up, he decided he would have to ask for advice, maybe tomorrow though, for now he just wanted to sleep and try to forget everything, just for the time being.

*****

Allen had woken up early and progressed through his usual morning exercises. He often wondered what the average amount of lifts was that people did upside down on the backrest of an angled chair and if he should maybe do a couple hundred more to catch up, but then that would mean sparing less time for breakfast.

Finishing up his breakfast he was not immune to the sympathetic looks cast in his direction, nor the occasional consolatory pat on the back. So he hurried off to find his first target, to extract information on how to court Kanda.

He'd concluded that Krory would be a good person to start with; he'd been in love with Eliade, so therefore he would definitely have some experience with romance.

Finding Krory was easy, he was still in his room, and welcomed a visit from the younger exorcist quite happily, still amazed when people actively sought out his company. However Allen's first source of information was about as successful as a baby girl trying to grow a beard.

They exchanged pleasantries: that was all good. Krory congratulated Allen's luck in finding love, although he couldn't understand why Allen would pick the fierce, anti-social Kanda and not the friendly Lenalee, with whom he could often be found; that wasn't so good. Nonetheless, Krory gave him his best wishes and would stand by his decisions. At this point Krory started mumbling about his own failings at love, how he missed his dear Eliade and that Allen should cherish every moment he had with Kanda: this was the absolute pits.

Allen's fruitless attempts to calm the vampire exorcist down and try to turn the conversation back on track were for nought. Eventually giving up, Allen resorted to tucking Krory back into his bed, telling him to just sleep it off and reassuring him that no one would be troubled if he was not doing, well, whatever it was he did normally.

Allen feeling like he should have known this would happen, would not let the turn of events stop his quest, he would endure, not like he had a choice anyway. So he decided to follow onto his next target. Having already witnessed Krory's break down, he felt that he was definitely prepared to deal with Miranda's nervous quirks in the name of gaining knowledge.

Miranda was a good friend, she was quite a few years older then him so would surely have some experience with romance and even if she didn't she was quite observant so maybe she would have some idea of what he should do to win Kanda over. He didn't quite feel comfortable asking some of the other older inhabitants of the Order and he would probably receive some sort of painful admonition from Kanda if he found out that he was going around asking the science department or even worse the finders how to "woo" him.

Locating Miranda's whereabouts was more difficult then Krory, she had gotten lost again trying to find her way around the Black Order headquarters. At length he discovered her walking in circles through the lower floor private rooms. Relieved to see a friendly face, she told him that she was trying to make her way to the science department so that they could help her use her innocence more efficiently.

Allen persuaded her, quite deviously, that as she was already an hour late for her lesson, it would make no difference if she was late by a few more minutes. He needed her advice and would be grateful for any help she could give him, he'd even walk her to the exact room she needed to get to when they were finished talking, and he went so far as to throw in his best puppy dog eyes for good measure.

Miranda eager to help a friend, rather then due to the freaky way he was looking at her, reassured him that she would do what she could. She smiled at him shyly while telling him that she had already heard about the fiasco in dining hall yesterday, and although she was sure Kanda was a very nice person she didn't think they were together in that way.

Miranda was his beacon of light; she hadn't laughed at him, accused him of being a womanizer, threatened him or congratulated his new love interest, which is why he graciously let her comment about Kanda being a nice person slide. If only she hadn't been so embarrassed about his questions about courtship, she'd barely been able to answer him through her stuttering.

Unfortunately due to her nervous disposition and failure at keeping a job amongst other things during her life previous to the Order, she'd had no proper experience in love. The mention of one relationship she'd had, turned her face so red that Allen had taken pity and not pressed her on that matter. He'd hurriedly walked her to the right room, hoping no one would see them together and get the wrong ideas, the threats from yesterday still ringing in his ears. He made sure to leave Miranda in someone's capable hands and then took his leave. It was possible for him to try talking to her again at some other time, when she was calmer and more used to the idea of him coming to her for romantic advice.

Walking down a corridor he noticed Choaji moving in the opposite direction and even though he hardly knew the latest addition to the exorcists he could see Choaji trying his best to maintain an angry glower at him.

He continued to walk in an absent minded fashion. Usually Allen would have talked to Lenalee and Lavi first to sort out his problems, if he could bring himself to actually go to them for help. But he didn't want to create more friction between himself and Komui if he found out that he had searched out Lenalee to talk about romance. Furthermore, knowing Komui's overprotective prerogative when it came to Lenalee, he was apprehensive as to whether she had any experience on the issue either, though not by choice.

This left Lavi, his last hope for getting help. Allen had purposely been avoiding having to take the issue up with Lavi as he would be forced to deal with his mirth and teasing. On the other hand Lavi was an older man, physically if not mentally, and was constantly falling for pretty older women, but most importantly his occupation involved watching people living. He was bound to have witnessed some aspects of courtship surely, and maybe he had access to a manual or something. A manual would be amazing. Taking a deep breath Allen went off in search of Lavi, and hoped he wasn't busy with his work with Bookman.

**--Interlude of Concerned Siblings--**

Noise Marie had stood by and watched the events of Kanda's love life play out so far, from Tiedoll's intervention in the dining hall, through the chase to Kanda's room, to when Tiedoll tried to walk a tunnel into the floor of his room. Now here he was left with trying to explain to the new "family" member what the fuss is all about.

It wasn't that he didn't know that General Tiedoll had probably completely over reacted and was exaggerating the seriousness of the event regardless of whether Kanda really was locked in a passionate gaze with the younger exorcist. But then he understood the basic fact, which was this: Kanda was the youngest member of their group and he was to be protected at all costs, not from the fight against akuma, he was capable of dealing with them on his own, but to protect Kanda's idiosyncratic world from others. It was their duty to take out the threat, even if the threat had yet to form completely, so if there was even the slightest chance that what Tiedoll feared could come true, then he would support him all the way. After all what was a little violence when trying to protect family?

So right now his priority lay in explaining to Choaji all the whys and what fors that applied to their group and teaching how they protected their own. Starting with his own particular speciality of intimidation: to stand looming over your opponent, no need to talk and then finally crack a few knuckles to emphasise your point.

--

Choaji Han was confused, had been confused since he'd been dragged along with Marie through the whole Kanda escapade and was going to continue to be confused.

He'd listened to Marie's explanation about family and protecting Kanda, followed the example set to learn to intimidate and threaten opponents. But he didn't feel comfortable glaring at Allen when he had nothing against him really, especially when the conflict seemed to stem from a catastrophic misunderstanding.

Still this was his new family and they looked out for each other so he would try his best. According to Marie he had to understand that from now on Kanda was what could be considered a younger brother to him. If that was the case then he would do his duty and protect his virtue, although he couldn't help the eye twitch at the whole idea.

**--Interlude of Concerned Siblings--**

--TBC--


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Four**

At first Allen thought that looking for Lavi wouldn't be so hard, the red head was so loud that he just had to ask someone when they last saw him and then follow the trail. However Lavi appeared to move so quickly that Allen had already walked around headquarters twice and he still hadn't caught up with him.

Allen also came to the sudden realisation that he never sought out Lavi; Lavi just always tended to be there, floating in the background like a bad smell.

It didn't really bother Allen, having to hunt all over to find the exorcist and would have continued all day until he did find him. Except for a slight change in the past ten minutes, when he happened to pass by Marie; who had spotted Allen and decided to walk with him, in a manner of speaking.

So now the rather intimidating exorcist was following just behind him, which was why he could sense the other man was there but couldn't see him. The man didn't even speak to him; just loomed down from behind and after ten minutes of the man's looming Allen was ready to crack. He wasn't afraid to admit it, he was scared, which was why he thought it was time for a rest, in his room, where he could lock the door and hide under a blanket.

Emerging from his room sometime later, with no Marie in sight, Allen considered two options for finding Lavi, either he could wonder around aimlessly and hope that he'd pass the other exorcist at some point or stand in a well used hallway until Lavi passed by. He could have gone to wait in the dining hall, everyone needed to eat at some point, but he didn't want to face the stares or the slight chance he'd get into more trouble.

Apparently standing still was Allen's best option. It had only taken a few minutes before Lavi had ambled up to him.

"Why didn't you just go to the library?"

"There's a library?!"

"Sure there is, just past the courtyard."

"There's a courtyard?!"

Allen was confused; he had lived in the Order for quite a few months and had never even heard of these parts of the building before. On the other hand at least Lavi wasn't laughing at him. Although the smile on his face looked rather suspect. Allen took a deep breath.

"'ttheywillkickmeoutandi''!"

Lavi was impressed that the little Moyashi could go so long without breathing, a talent like that could come in handy someday. Though he could do without the scary, pushed to the end of his tether and about to kill someone look.

"Cool, let's go to the library then."

*****

"But you fall in love all the time!"

"Oh young, naïve Allen. Just because I can appreciate beauty, doesn't mean that they appreciate me." Lavi said ruefully.

"Shit, does anyone in this place know how to court someone?" Allen might have been a little bit exasperated.

"Of course not, that's why they all live here. Relax, we'll figure something out, it can't be that hard, people court people all the time, if you worry too much you'll get grey hairs.

Grey hairs! Get it, get it."

"Shut up."

"Jeez, maybe you and Kanda would make a good couple, you can compare grumpy faces.

This would be the part where you threaten me with your weapon of choice. However I will warn you that threatening me with bodily harm will severely lower your chances of getting any help."

Reluctantly Allen lowered his arm.

"That's a good boy, now give me a smile."

Still not amused Allen tried to keep his hands from reaching up and strangling Lavi, he didn't need to use his innocence to kill him.

However he was unable to control a snarl due to Lavi's last comment. He just knew Lavi would be unbearable.

"Oh my, what sharp teeth you have grandfather."

"The better to rip out your throat with."

"Oh Allen, such a way with words, if Kanda doesn't want you there will always be an open spot in my bed."

Lavi moved closer to Allen rubbing his upper arm, Allen tried to back away when suddenly Lavi reared back a serious expression across his face.

"Right, now stop messing around Allen; we've got work to do.

So, Tiedoll specifically said to prove your worth and show respect? Therefore obviously your aim through this courtship is to make a good impression on daddy dearest, you've got to be a man, a manly man, be nice to Kanda, make him feel loved and probably make him like you. The last being the biggest problem.

We'll ignore making a good impression; it's too late for that, so you're going to have to hope that if you win Kanda over, Tiedoll will be happy."

Allen was listening attentively, although his face did falter at the mention of first impressions. Taking a good look at the white haired exorcist Lavi continued his analysis.

"We'll ignore the manly man part for now as well. So you've got to be nice, loving and likeable. That's not too bad, you're like that to most people, basically this means you've got to imagine Kanda is someone else and you'll be fine.

With most courtships you would be trying to spend more time with the person of your affection, give them gifts; flowers and chocolate normally and compliments to show how much you like them.

So why are you still looking at me? You've got work to do, now shoo, shoo. Come back with a status update later."

Thus Lavi feeling as if he had imparted great knowledge onto the younger man, kicked Allen out of the library.

Allen wasn't too bothered by this, he had a lot to think about, Lavi had managed to give a pretty good break down of what he needed to aim to accomplish and maybe how to get the ball rolling. He tried not to be too hurt by the manly man comment. He was still young, he could grow some more, he hoped.

Anyway he needed to concentrate. Nice, loving and likeable, he could do that; really he could…if it was anyone but Kanda…

--TBC--


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Five**

Two days after his conversation with Lavi, Allen found himself once again roaming through the halls of the Order. In the preceding excitement it seemed that he had missed the first and most crucial problem in his mission; he had to find Kanda first before he could enact any ritual of courtship.

Apparently Kanda was not terribly happy with the behaviour of his doting father nor the attention of the whole Order. So unsurprisingly he was hiding, that wasn't the problem, what was making things hard for Allen was trying to search for Kanda while simultaneously evading Kanda's "family" who were also on the look out for the missing exorcist.

He'd bought a bouquet of red roses after consulting Miranda; she had assured him that flowers were a good start and that red roses in particular were considered very romantic. Therefore his first step was to give Kanda the flowers and then try to initiate some form of conversation that didn't result in hostility.

As Allen was hyping himself up standing just outside his room he heard a sound from behind a pillar.

"Psst!"

"Uh. Are you referring to me?" Allen addressed the fixture?

"Come closer. Not that close! It's Lenalee, I can't be seen with you or my brother will go crazy. I just came to tell you Kanda is in the meditation room."

"There's a meditation room?"

"Sure there is, in the basement."

"There's a basement?"

"I've got to go, Good luck!"

"Hello? Lenalee?"

She was very good, Allen hadn't sensed any movement and yet she had still managed to disappear. Well if Kanda was in the basement, then to the basement he would go!

*****

Allen was standing outside the meditation room, mumbling to himself. Did he just walk in? Since it was a room for public use. But then would that annoy Kanda? And he really didn't want to piss off the man right now. Was this even an appropriate time to approach him? Although if he didn't do it now, who knew when he would work up the courage to be able to talk to the man.

Suddenly the door flew open and the harassed looking Kanda himself stared angrily at Allen.

"What do you want? I can hear you through the door, so either tell me what you want or go away!"

The long-haired exorcist was gripping the door frame so hard his knuckles had turned white and his eyes appeared to be a little blood shot. Clearly he had an ulterior motive for hiding in this specific room. Shocked and apprehensive Allen found it hard to speak eloquently as he thrust the flowers in the other man's face.

"I… I… I…um, these are for you."

Kanda looked honestly surprised. Apparently no one had bothered to tell him of the new development to their predicament, not that he would have stood still long enough for anyone to tell him. Losing some of his anger he stepped back.

"Che"

The short dismissal was punctuated with the sound of the slamming door. Allen was relieved, that could have gone a lot worse and at least now he had made first contact. So although Kanda hadn't accepted the roses, which now looked pitiful and dejected in his still outstretched arms, he had made his aim clear, more or less. Maybe it was the flowers, maybe he didn't like roses.

So Allen tried daisies, lilies, gardenias, orchids, he even tried a bird of paradise just in case Kanda appreciated more unusual flowers. However every offering was met with the same response and Allen was getting pretty used to the sight of a door slamming in his face.

Next Allen tried chocolate. Miranda told him that you could get chocolates for your sweetheart packaged in red heart shaped boxes, but he didn't want to die. Nevertheless as with the flowers, his plainly packaged chocolate was snubbed.

Allen decided it was time to talk to Lavi again, this time taking Miranda to the library with him.

*****

"Maybe he didn't like the type of flowers you were giving him?"

"It wasn't the type of flower."

The three exorcists were sitting round a table in the library discussing Allen's failed initial attempts to court Kanda. Lavi was frowning, deep in thought.

"Did you compliment him?"

"There was never enough time between him opening the door and then slamming it back in my face."

"Ah, well there's your problem. He needs to know that you think nice thoughts about him, in a romantic fashion. Aha! It's so obvious! Poetry! You can tell him how you feel about him, with compliments and you don't have to see him either, you can just slip it under his door!"

That didn't sound too bad they all agreed. Hunting through some books they found something suitably romantic that would convey Allen's feelings and admiration of eyes, hair and lips. Allen just had to copy out the poem into his own handwriting and slip the piece of paper under Kanda's door.

The next day it was Kanda who finally sought out the white-haired exorcist. He brandished the paper in his hand.

"Are you insulting me?!"

"What? No! I'm trying to tell you…"

"That I look like a woman? You bastard!"

Poetry was definitely a bad idea.

*****

They were back in the library. Miranda looking at Allen with concern, Lavi as always trying not to laugh.

"Nice shiner you got there Allen."

"Kanda didn't quite accept the poem in the way I had hoped."

"Oh really?"

"It was too girly, he thought I was implying he looked female."

"Ah, I wondered if you would get such a response."

Allen tried to glare at Lavi, but it hurt his eye too much. If he knew this might happen why didn't he warn him beforehand.

"I prepared for the possibility and yours truly has composed his own lyrical masterpiece, poetry specifically written for Kanda."

Lavi passed a piece of paper across the table to Allen for him to read. Glancing at the poem Allen was not impressed and read out a couple of lines for Miranda's benefit.

"The way you grip a sword makes my heart flutter,

And oh how it thrills me to see you slice through akuma like butter."

"If that doesn't make Kanda wet for you I don't know what will."

Lavi was genuinely pleased with himself; he had worked on it the night before until he was sure he had written a winning piece. Miranda was unsure whether to praise the poem, to please Lavi or to say it rather lacked the romantic aspect that they were looking for, luckily for her Allen didn't need a second opinion before making his own decision. He passed back the paper making it quite clear that he would not be using Lavi's masterpiece, in fact he wanted to steer well clear of poetry altogether.

Lavi was hurt, it was a good poem.

On to the next option then.

"Are you any good at singing?"

--TBC--


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Six**

Lavi and Miranda were at what was becoming their usual table in the library waiting for Allen to tell them how the latest attempt at courting had gone.

"Do you think it will work?" Miranda asked.

"For Kanda? Couldn't say, for all I know the best way to win Kanda's heart would be to present him with the severed head of one of the members of the Noah clan on a silver platter."

"I don't think that's very romantic."

"It would make Allen look more manly though."

"That would be…true."

Miranda couldn't deny the truth, at least not when Allen was absent.

Both exorcists turned at the sound of the door opening to watch Allen walk over with a slight limp.

"I don't want to talk about it."

As he collapsed onto a chair, Miranda noticed that Lavi didn't seem too bothered by Allen's reluctance to talk about what had happened. Instead he asked Allen a completely random question.

"Does Timcampy go everywhere with you?"

Grateful for the change of subject Allen didn't think twice about answering.

"Most of the time, sometimes he goes off on his own."

After giving his reply Allen lowered his head to the table and it looked like he was taking a nap. Lavi was studying the yellow golum that was floating in the air above Allen's head; Miranda could swear it was grinning. Could golum's grin?

By the time she had turned her attention back to Lavi he had pulled out a bag of cookies.

"Are you feeding his golum?" Miranda asked in a pseudo stage whisper.

"Watch and learn Miranda. Watch. And. Learn."

Timcampy had floated down to hover in front of Lavi so that it could eagerly eat the offering of cookies. When Lavi had emptied the bag he gave the golum a little tickle. Miranda watched attentively as the golum grinned, it definitely was grinning, she could see its teeth. Then opening what could be considered its mouth wide she watched shocked as a hologram replayed the events that Allen was so keen to keep quiet.

She would have said something to Allen, of course she would have, but he looked so tired it was better that he was left to sleep and it was hard to stay seated in the library without having to watch the scene play out:

Allen was standing on the outside of the headquarters building, as he'd been told to do by Lavi, carrying a ukulele. Apparently he'd learnt how to play one when working a job while travelling with General Cross. He was counting the windows and after pinpointing a certain room he considered starting his musical incitement.

However it looked like he had decided that he was too far away and would not be heard from such a distance. So Allen then scaled the building until he had reached a ledge just beside the window he was aiming for, where he perched for a few minutes.

He then began to sing, the ukulele providing a musical accompaniment.

Unfortunately as the window opened and a head peaked out it looked like Allen had made a fatal mistake. So startled by the glaring face of Komui Allen lost his footing and fell while Komui watched Allen's crash back to earth with sadistic satisfaction on his face before closing his window firmly.

Looking up wondering why Lavi and Miranda were so quiet Allen caught the last image of his crumpled form before Timcampy closed its mouth, grinned once more and fluttered to hide behind Lavi.

A strangled gasp escaped the younger man's mouth.

"Allen." Miranda tentatively spoke.

"You were on the wrong side of the building."

Another strangled gasp, a look of disbelief and a whimper. Lavi tried not to laugh, but not very hard.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Went Allen's head against the table. Miranda blushed, maybe she should have kept quiet.

"I think it's time to bring out the big guns! We thought you could try chat up lines; apparently they're the new thing. We've narrowed down a selection for you to use."

Lavi passed him a piece of paper.

"This one is my particular favourite."

The red head pointed at one sentence. Allen didn't actually get it, confusion on his face as he read it out loud.

"Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? Would you like to?"

"Now stand up and pull out your trouser pockets."

Allen followed Lavi's instructions and watched as Miranda immediately blushed. He still didn't get it. He wouldn't use that one.

*****

Allen walked into the library a red hand print on his face, glaring at anyone who had the audacity to stare at him. Lavi was the first to speak.

"Ah, Kanda--"

"No, Tiedoll."

"I thought you were trying to court Kanda."

"Lavi…" Allen growled. Miranda thought that was kinda…sexy. Lavi wasn't intimidated and continued to talk.

"I've drawn up some plans, we're going to build a big wooden horse, with a hollow belly and stick it on wheels. Then we'll shove you in it, roll it into Kanda's room and when he least expects it you'll jump out and finally become a man.

What? No good?

Okay how about we "accidentally" lock you two in a closet and then when he least expects it you'll jump him and finally become a man.

What? Still no good?

Okay how about we drug him and tie him to your bed and then you can jump him and finally become a man.

What? Still no good?

Tough crowd."

Lavi thought for a moment and then spoke up with another plan.

"What about voodoo dolls, can we at least use them?"

Allen took some time considering the idea before he rejected that one too.

"How about a make-over?" Surprisingly it was Miranda who spoke.

"What?" Allen wasn't sure how making him look different would help win Kanda's affections. However Lavi found this idea to be of substance.

"Brilliant! We make Allen look so stunningly manly Kanda will be helpless but to swoon in his arms!"

Allen wasn't convinced.

"Don't worry, it's just a makeover."

"Said the spider to the fly..."

--TBC--


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Seven**

"I think we should do something with his hair first." Miranda suggested to Lavi as they looked at the younger exorcist.

"I've always wanted to shave someone's head before." Lavi sounded a little too excited by the prospect so Allen took an unconscious step backwards, he definitely didn't want to be bald or for Lavi to be the one who was going to shave him.

"I don't think making him bald will make Allen look more attractive. Maybe longer hair would suit you?"

"Ah! I always knew a long white wig would come in handy one day, I've been holding on to this for three years now. Here, Allen put that on."

Lavi handed Allen a fluffy white mass which he pulled out from somewhere, the other two exorcists weren't quite sure. While waiting for Allen to finish struggling with the wig Miranda admired his room.

"Your room looks really nice and smells good too with all the flowers."

"I've got to admit that it does look pretty good, you'd never guess they were a memento of your several failures."

Lavi imparted his words of wisdom, sparing nothing. Allen thought it would be best if he ignored such comments for now and stood in front of Lavi waiting for the next step.

"Side burns would make you look more like a hairy beast, a beard would make you look like a tramp, how bout stubble, can you grow some stubble?"

To be honest Allen wondered that himself.

"And we've got to make you look less old man and more like a strapping young buck. This calls for leather, lots of leather, go ditch the flouncy shirt and ribbon."

Allen was about to ask what was wrong with his shirt when he was cut off by the door opening, all three occupants held their breath in suspense.

And then sighed in relief when it was Lenalee who peered into the room.

"Allen-kun, what's wrong with your hair?"

Glaring at Lavi, Allen explained the plan.

"Do you really think that will work?"

"It's worth a try, nothing I've done so far has made a difference."

"Oh, what have you done?"

"I gave him chocolate."

"But Kanda hates sweets."

"I gave him poetry."

"To Kanda?"

"I tried chat up lines."

"I thought you were trying to show how much you respect him?"

"I tried flowers."

"What ones?"

Pointing at the flowers respectively Allen began to list them and to every flower Lenalee rejected the choice.

"Red roses"

"Too cliché"

"Daisies"

"Too happy"

"Lilies"

"Too big"

"Gardenias"

"Too delicate"

"Orchids"

"Too pretty"

"Bird of paradise"

"Too weird"

Well Lenalee sure made Allen feel like a twat. He was about to ask what Lenalee would suggest when he was again cut off by the door opening.

"LENALEE! What are you doing in here!"

Thinking quickly Lavi threw Miranda onto Komui, dragging Allen and Lenalee with him as he ran out of the room shouting back to Miranda:

"Your sacrifice will be remembered!"

As they continued running they could hear Miranda's wail in the background.

After running for a few minutes without hearing any danger following, they decided it was safe to come to a stop so that they could catch their breath. Allen not wanting to take the chance of standing around with Lenalee for too long hurriedly asked for her help.

"Have you even considered what Kanda might like in all of this? Or even how he might be feeling, I can assure you that you aren't the only one being harassed. Kanda has been on the receiving end of quite a few glares from the majority of the finders and who knows what else, as if this was his fault!"

Allen felt truly chastised by Lenalee's announcement as did Lavi, of course they hadn't considered Kanda, the prickly bastard. Taking a moment to themselves, Lavi hesitantly spoke.

"We were on a mission once and I did see Kanda looking at some lotus flowers."

"Good, try starting with that." Lenalee nodded her head, pleased with such an observation.

"Allen." Lavi called the white-haired exorcist's name drawing his attention away from Lenalee.

"Yeah?" Pointing down the corridor Lavi once more transferred Allen's attention, this time to an angry looking Marie stomping towards them.

"Now would be a good time to run."

"Yeah"

"See you in the library tomorrow?"

*****

The next day when Allen walked into the library, sans wig, Lavi and Lenalee both noticed he looked quite unsettled.

"I tried to give him a lotus flower." Allen spoke unprompted as he sat down. Lavi eager to find out the result, asked for more details.

"How did it go?"

"He fainted."

"Do you think that means he likes you now?"

"What!?"

"Well he didn't try to kill you."

"I have no idea what it means"

"That was unexpected" Lenalee, speaking for the first time since Allen entered the room, pushed the white-haired exorcist's concern over Kanda to the side for the moment.

"Should you be here? Won't Komui come looking for you?" Slightly scared he swung his head around the room checking that he wasn't about to be ambushed.

"He is currently very distracted." Lenalee replied in such a matter of fact way that though Allen was sceptical that they were safe for the time being accepted her reassurance. Thinking about Komui had also led him to think of someone else.

"Oh. Hey where is Miranda?"

"She's on a date."

**--Interlude of a Stunned Supervisor--**

Komui Lee was scared, very, very scared.

He was alone in a bedroom with a young woman in his arms, screaming her head off.

He had to think quick!

"Please…Please go on a date with me!"

**--Interlude of a Stunned Supervisor--**

--TBC--


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I hope you enjoy the next chapter. The lotus is to do with the manga, Kanda sees lotus flowers everywhere.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Eight**

Allen had been so stunned after what they were now referring to as the 'Lotus Incident' that they had decided to leave courting for the day and return to the library the following morning to come up with a new plan.

Lenalee was back under Komui's careful eye while Miranda sat opposite the two boys in the library, it looked like she had either forgiven or forgotten that Lavi had used her as an escape when faced with an angry Komui.

Lavi was unrepentant anyway, it was for a good cause and they had more important things to discuss.

"You went on a date?" It was Allen who was doing the questioning, walking behind Miranda, Lavi sat in front, nodding his head encouragingly while taking notes.

"Uh, Y-Yes."

"With Supervisor Komui?" Allen moved to stand just beside the woman.

"Y-Yes"

"And could you tell us how such an event came to pass?" Allen was now giving her a hard stare.

"I d-don't k-know."

"Unacceptable! You must tell me what happened yesterday, in the private room assigned to Allen Walker, after the aforementioned Allen Walker with Lavi, Bookman heir and Lenalee Lee, sister to supervisor Komui left the scene of the crime. If you are unable to comply I will be forced to use unnecessary force." Allen's fist slammed down on to the table in front of Miranda as she trembled in fright.

"Ma'am, I'd do as he says, he can get awful crazy when information is being withheld, we just want to know the truth, that's all, and then you'll be free to go. Is that okay?" Lavi asked Miranda kindly, entreating her to talk.

"W-Well, I was thrown onto Komui a-and then I w-was screaming a-and then he a-asked me out." Pleased that the woman had started to talk Allen removed his fist from the table.

"That's it?"

"Y-Yes."

"That's the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"Y-Yes."

"Very well, and what happened next?"

"I-I was shocked s-so I stopped s-screaming and he w-was looking at me s-so nicely that I-I agreed."

"I see. And did you enjoy this date of yours?"

"Y-Yes"

"Would you say it was a good date?"

"Y-Yes"

"What did you do?"

"H-He took me o-out to dinner."

"And you liked this? You felt properly romanced."

"Y-Yes"

"You felt you enjoyed this date so much that you agreed to see Komui again?"

"Y-Yes"

"Ma'am you may step down. Lavi did you get all that?"

Miranda sighed in relief as Allen finally stepped back and stopped staring down at her, his attention had been diverted to Lavi.

"Yes."

Lavi read over his notes to check he got everything down and then came to a conclusion about how Allen would continue his courtship of Kanda.

"So are you going to go scream at Kanda until he asks you out?"

However Allen hadn't come to the same conclusion and instead offered a different solution.

"I was thinking of just asking him out to dinner."

Lavi was doubtful that would work, they were talking about Kanda after all.

"Are you sure you don't want to go scream at him?"

Allen felt his next move was non-negotiable, there was an image he had to consider while trying to appeal to Kanda.

"I'm trying to be a man, I think I need to be the one doing the asking."

Lavi wished Allen luck, as did Miranda who had been forgotten by the other two exorcists until this point, when taking the time to recover from their interrogation. As they watched Allen leave the library a determined air to his stride Lavi hoped that he would come back alive.

Allen returned to the library, copious amounts of sweat dripping from his body.

"He didn't say yes then?"

Lavi inquired as Allen approached the table.

"What happened?"

Lavi purposely deposited a bag of pastries in front of his face and pointed at Timcampy as a silent warning that if Allen didn't tell them what had happened they would just have to see it from the golum's mouth. Allen understanding the threat immediately, complied.

"I asked him if he would like to join me for dinner. He tried to run me through with Mugen."

Allen hoped that a shot summary would be enough. He hoped in vain.

"Now let's try that once more but with details."

A pastry was dangled in front of the golum to emphasise the request and so reluctantly Allen reiterated.

"When I asked him to dinner, he didn't appreciate me…talking to him. So he drew out Mugen and told me he would kill me. I tried to explain that I wanted to treat him to dinner because there is more to food then just soba noodles. He went to attack and I ran. I finally managed to loose him by hiding in a cleaning cupboard."

Lavi was listening carefully to the younger man's description, not completely surprised by the outcome.

"Looks like he is finally starting to get annoyed with your advances." Mused Lavi out loud.

"What do you mean 'starting' to get annoyed? He gave me a black eye!"

"Yeah, but that aside he normally just shuts the door and ignores you. I think you need to be more subtle, wait here I'll be back in a minute."

As Lavi ran out of the library Miranda shrugged at Allen to show that she had no idea what the red head was up to either.

Five minutes later Lavi raced back into the library a pair of cat ears in his hands.

"They clip into your hair so you look like a human cat. See."

The exorcist demonstrated by attaching the ears to Miranda's head. Allen admitted that it did look like Miranda really had cat ears but was confused.

"That's nice, but how does that help me?"

"It's a gay thing, you just have to make yourself very clear to Kanda so that he knows exactly what you want from him, without saying anything, verbally or on paper. So all you have to do is give him the ears and remember don't say a word."

Allen nodded maybe talking wasn't his strong point, lately he found it harder to express himself clearly to Kanda. He took another look at the ears attached to Miranda's head and thought to himself, Kanda would look pretty cute with his hair down and cat ears fastened on. Imagining the older boy he mentally nodded to himself, yep, Kitty-Kanda would be pretty cute.

"What happened this time?"

"He thinks I've gone nuts."

"Oh?"

"I tried to give him the ears, I didn't say anything. He looked at them and asked me what I was doing, I shook my head and mimed that my lips were sealed. He gave me a weird look and told me that I'd finally lost it. He didn't take the ears and backed away slowly, trying not to make eye contact. I thought it would be best if he ran away instead of spearing me on Mugen if I followed"

"Damn, I thought he was definitely a cat. Keep the ears anyway, he'll probably look good as Kitty-Kanda, if you ever do manage to woo him.

Allen tried not to blush, was it so obvious that he wanted to see Kanda as a cute cat boy? Luckily for Allen neither of his two accomplices noticed his flushed faced, too busy in their own fantasies of cat boy Kanda.

A few minutes later, all three exorcists tuned back in to reality.

"I've found something that will help you." Lavi spoke gravely making sure to show Allen his serious face.

Having run out his own ideas for courtship Lavi had decided to scour the library for any useful information. What he had come across was golden; the book he was currently pushing towards Allen.

"What is it?" Allen hesitantly accepted the book.

"It's a manual for courtship."

Hearing those five words leave Lavi's mouth Allen was instantly excited, he knew Lavi would come through for him, this was it, this was what he needed, he was sure to succeed now. Pulling the book towards him eagerly he read the title aloud, ignoring the puerile image on the front of a woman being crushed against a man's bare chest. Although Allen had to admit he had a nice chest.

"Mills & Boon: Courting the Mistress of the Manor."

It would be brilliant Allen thought.

"Read it and we'll meet back here in a couple of days."

Lavi sounded immensely pleased with himself and for once Allen thought he deserved to and quickly nodded his ascent, impatient to start his research.

--TBC--


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Nine**

This time it was Allen who had arrived first to the library, shortly followed by Lavi.

"Hey, Miranda isn't coming, she has another date with Komui. So what have you learnt?" Lavi asked hopefully.

"I can't use this 'manual'." Speaking like a man who had just endured a very trying battle with several akuma Allen tossed the book across the table back to Lavi.

"Why?"

"I don't think I have the courage to gently cup Kanda's heaving bosom." Allen replied with complete honesty.

"Ah, I don't think anyone has the courage to do that." Lavi nodded his agreement and pondered what else they could use instead.

"Stupid boys! Give me that!" A shout from the door indicated that Lenalee had been able to slip away and join them while her brother was again distracted by Miranda.

She stomped towards the table, reading the title of the book before using it to smack both boys round the head.

"Didn't I already tell you to think about what Kanda would want! You think he wants to be part of a harlequin romance? Stupid, stupid boys!" Looking as if she wanted to throttle them, Lenalee continued to chastise them.

"Lavi you are hereby forbidden to give Allen anymore ideas on how to pursue Kanda. Allen I want you to think, actually really think about what you are doing, what you like about Kanda, respect, admire, what he likes and enjoys. Do you both understand?"

As Lenalee held the book threateningly over their heads the boys agreed quickly to her demands.

"Good. Then Allen go think. Lavi go…do something."

**xxxxx**

Allen had hastily departed from the library from fear of incurring anymore of Lenalee's wrath, feeling slightly bereft without Lavi's guidance, although admittedly it had not been very helpful.

So not knowing what to do Allen was aimlessly walking through the halls of the Black Order occasionally stopping to bang his head against a wall. Lost in his thoughts and feelings of frustration Allen failed to notice that many of the Order members were throwing him concerned looks, although no one was actually brave enough to approach the obviously unstable exorcist.

He was also paying little heed to where he was walking. Therefore it was by pure coincidence that he found himself in the training area, with a swollen red forehead watching Kanda perform his exercises with perfect precision. Reluctantly impressed by the movements of the older exorcist Allen moved forward to get a better view.

Kanda had simply ignored the Moyashi as he had entered the training room by persevering with his training. However the older exorcist was discretely observing Allen, as he moved unsteadily towards the closest wall and banged his head firmly against the surface three times before moving away again. Kanda refused to interfere if the Moyashi was trying to kill himself.

Then appearing to suddenly realise where he was, Allen focused his gaze onto Kanda, a look of unease followed by admiration falling across his face. As Allen moved closer, Kanda turned to throw him a glare and just as expected the other exorcist glared back. Their glaring contest lasted a whole two seconds before Allen fearfully checked his surroundings, taking a few steps backwards for good measure. Leaving Allen to scan the area Kanda turned his back to the other man.

Having returned to his training Kanda was not ignorant of Allen's intent stare following his every move. Although Allen had moved further away he was still quite close to Kanda, sitting crossed legged on the floor, his chin propped up by his left hand and Timcampy sitting on his head. As unnerving as Kanda found this, compared to the strange activities of the exorcist during their previous encounters Kanda decided to just let it pass for fear of inducing any weirder behaviour.

They spent the following hour in this manner before Allen suddenly rose and disappeared from Kanda's sight. A sigh of relief escaped the remaining exorcist who continued his training ignoring the niggling thought in the back of his mind that it had been nice to have some company for once.

**xxxxx**

Allen was once more in a familiar stance, hands outstretched holding out his offering to Kanda, slightly hesitant but more confident in his actions then in previous attempts. This time he had yet to see the door slam in his face, he hoped it was a good sign.

"What do you want now?" Kanda asked angrily. Drawing his courage up Allen replied as honestly as he could.

"When I watched you training yesterday I noticed how much stress is put onto your hands because of the weapon you handle. The gloves are lightweight and fingerless so you still have good movement but the material will also give you a better grip on your sword, especially during a hard fight where your hands can become slippery from sweat and blood." Finishing his monologue Allen was tempted to just close his eyes and wait for the inevitable, but he held his ground, Kanda deserved that much respect at least.

"Che" Kanda's usual reply was unsurprising, and as he saw the door slam in his face yet again, Allen could feel the smile forming as he looked down at his empty hands. So Kanda was rude, unsociable, mean, uncaring not to mention violent but not stupid, that was a relief, Allen often had severe reservations about the other exorcist's mental capabilities.

As Allen returned to his room he analysed his current feelings, obviously he really had needed to think about what was going on, without the whole forced to submit into a façade of a courtship always at the back of his mind. He had to get past pretending to already like Kanda to attempt to begin to like him instead, treat Kanda like he really was trying to court him not just because he had been told to. He also needed to figure out if he could like Kanda, otherwise courting Kanda would continue to be a source of torture.

Entering his room, ready to turn in, Allen noticed that Timcampy had gone off on his own again. He wasn't too worried, Tim had the habit of disappearing every so often, he would be back by the morning.

**-Interlude of a Scheming Master—**

Marian Cross was amused. He had been following the progress of his apprentice in his task of courting Kanda through regular updates via Timcampy and it looked like the idiot was starting to get a clue.

When he had first seen Kanda in the cafeteria, he had mistaken the man for a woman, it had been a few years. But finding out that his apprentice had finally managed to ensnare a woman that was something he could be proud of, especially as the idea that any person who had been under his care for so long without growing a veracious sexual appetite would be a severe blow to his ego. However it was okay, Allen had merely needed time away from him, obviously it was hard to catch anyone's eye when in his shadow, of this Cross was certain.

Finding out that the woman in question was a man, well that just made things more interesting, and later when he had realised it was Kanda Yu, that was an altogether pleasant surprise. The runt had grown into a fine specimen, obviously running around with a sword for several years had done him wonders… but maybe too fine, for someone of Allen's stature.

Cross smiled at himself in the mirror, making sure he was able to convey a glint of evilness that didn't affect his roguish good looks. Behind his shoulder he noticed Timcampy trying to imitate his grin; pets were meant to resemble their owners after all, for some reason people always forgot that he had been the one to program the golem.

As he turned away from his reflection his thoughts turned once more to the physique of the long-haired exorcist. Yes, he was far too good to be wasted on his apprentice and it did seem as if Allen could start to make some definite progress in the matter. Unlike young Allen, he had been willing to give Kanda time to blow off some steam before beginning his overtures, but these new developments had changed his plans.

It looked like it was time for the Master to re-enter the stage.

**-Interlude of a Scheming Master—**

-TBC-


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Ten**

Since Lenalee had banned him from helping Allen, Lavi found that he had a lot more free time; however he was also now bored out of his mind. Advising Allen had been the most fun he'd had in ages.

Lavi wondered if Miranda needed any help with her new relationship with Komui. Eye lighting up with hope for a new source of entertainment, Lavi began his search for the female exorcist.

However twenty minutes later Lavi was still looking for Miranda; it appeared that the woman had gotten lost within the Order again. Disappointed that his plans had been foiled the exorcist was about to head to the cafeteria when he came to a sudden stop and quickly ducked behind a pillar. Lavi had come across what could possibly just be a mirage conjured by his mind due to boredom. Yet when he peered around the pillar he confirmed that he had indeed seen General Cross pressing Kanda against a wall.

Kanda didn't seem to be enjoying the position he was currently in, on the contrary he looked oddly scared. On the other hand Cross seemed to be quite happy with the situation at hand. Neither had noticed the presence of Lavi, concerned with the more immediate state of affairs, for which Lavi was glad, although he would've have liked to be a bit closer to the action so he could hear what they were saying.

When Cross gently ran his hand through Kanda's hair the younger exorcist's eyes narrowed in anger while Lavi looked on shocked. Kanda's reply to the gesture was easy to anticipate, a terse "Get your hands off me." A polite request considering it was coming from Kanda, but then he was addressing a General. While Cross did retract his hand, he looked fairly amused as he spoke to Kanda and whatever he had said was as well received as the invention of Komurin.

Kanda tried to move away in vain but was completely trapped by the position of the General's body. As Cross pressed even closer Kanda let out an involuntary squeak, finally pushed to his limit, the angry exorcist delivered a hard punch to Cross's stomach before running for his life. Staggering against the wall upon impact Cross watched the young man flee from him.

Lavi noted that Cross was far from angry, instead he was leaning against the wall smiling to himself, almost evilly. After taking a few moments to resume his composed appearance, Cross began to swagger down the hall heading in the direction of Komui's office.

Waiting until the General had left his sight Lavi finally came out of hiding, almost tripping over his own feet, eyes wide with shock. He was so stunned by the scene he'd just witnessed that it took him a few minutes before he was able to move away from the now deserted corridor. Stumbling at first Lavi was soon striding determinedly towards the cafeteria; he had urgent news to tell Allen.

By the time he had reached the dining hall Lavi was slightly out of breath, his increasing excitement over the new developments had resulted in him power walking most of the journey.

Bursting into the room he frantically scanned the dining hall before he finally spotted Allen and quickly made his way to the young man. Without any warning the red-head grabbed Allen's collar, using it to pull him up and drag him off to the library.

Lavi had refused to answer any of Allen's choked out questions and had only released the younger exorcist upon arrival in the library. Yet even with their arrival at Lavi's chosen destination the red-head was unable to control his agitation and continued to move around anxiously.

"Plan, we've got to make a plan, or do we find out what's going on first, maybe it's a joke, or maybe that's how the General normally like to talk to people, or it could be a trap! No probably not a trap, what would he be trying to trap, apart from Kanda, or is he, what does he want with Kanda, that is the question. Maybe we should stalk him for a bit, get the low down. Allen talk to me, what do we do?" Lavi spoke furiously barely taking time to breathe, seeming to be talking to himself until he directed the last question at Allen.

Allen, who had very recently been dragged around the Order by his collar, was still looking a little purple as he lay sprawled on the floor.

"Breathe. I need to breathe." Allen gasped out as Lavi looked at him expectantly for a reply. However that had not been the response Lavi had been looking for and he once more grabbed Allen's shirt pulling their faces closer together.

"What do you mean you need to breathe? Breathing can wait! We need to act now, don't you understand! It's a matter of life and death! We'll need my hammer and some explosives. You get the explosives, I'll get my hammer, we'll meet back here in ten minutes."

Releasing Allen who flopped back down to the floor with a thud, Lavi was about to stride out of the library. But before he had managed to move away from Allen a sharp smack resonated throughout the library, indicating that although the young man was incredibly confused and struggling to breathe he still had the presence of mind to slap some sense into the crazy exorcist.

Although Allen may have been a bit too enthusiastic in his actions as Lavi was now also sprawled on the floor next to him. Furthermore they had attracted the attention of all the other occupants of the library who were still staring avidly in their direction. Finally able to breathe properly again, Allen picked himself off the floor and attempted to ease the attention they had gained.

"Uh slight disagreement over the hibernating patterns of bears, we got a bit enthusiastic, nothing to worry about. Hehe." Giving everyone a nervous smile and a quick wave Allen turned back to Lavi who was now standing beside him, tugging insistently at his sleeve, pulling him towards a table.

"Cross wants Kanda!" Lavi was wringing his hands in agitation.

"For what?" Allen hadn't quite grasped the urgency that Lavi was trying to impart on to him, which was making Lavi even more worried.

"For a roll in the hay!" exclaimed Lavi. Sudden understanding came to Allen though he was not yet ready to believe it was true.

"That's not possible. Kanda's a man, Cross only rolls with women!"

"But he pressed him up against a wall! He stroked his hair!"

"WHAT!" Allen's shout once again attracted the attention of the rest of the library but he had gone beyond the point of caring. Lavi hastily whispered a full account of the scene he had come across not that long ago and when he had finished relaying the information Allen immediately barked out an order.

"You go get your hammer and I'll get the explosives, we'll meet back here in ten minutes, put Miranda on stalker watch!"

"Aye, aye captain!" Lavi gave Allen a quick salute followed by a pat on the shoulder.

"I knew you'd understand! We must storm the fort, even if it means destroying the whole building, even if it means we will have no where to live, even if we are thrown out of the Order!" Lavi's encouraging battle cry unfortunately did not have the desired affect on Allen whose sudden anger just as quickly deflated.

"On second thoughts maybe we should try and find out what was going on first, I'll go and try to see if I can find out from Kanda." Studying Lavi, Allen decided it was best if the red-head didn't come with him.

"You stay here …and guard the table."

**xxxxx**

After escaping from Cross and his odd behaviour Kanda had retreated to the training room to vent. His movements were more vicious then usual, with Mugen slicing through the air at an alarming speed. If there had been any akuma present they would have been destroyed in seconds.

So it was no surprise that it was with great trepidation that Allen attempted to approach the irate man. Though Allen had only taken a few steps into the room Kanda immediately swung round to face him, glaring fiercely with Mugen held ready for attack. The younger exorcist immediately tried to appear meek by raising his hands in a placating manner. Kanda didn't even take a moment to consider the move before he charged.

Allen just about dodged in time.

"Wait! Kanda don't kill me! I'm not going to ask you out to dinner!" Allen shouted desperately. Snarling Kanda proceeded to attack again, not bothering to reply.

Allen confused and understandably scared for his life was running in all directions to avoid Kanda's blade. Although Allen was effectively dodging the attacks Kanda was getting closer to cutting off his head, so taking action he suddenly turned back, throwing all his weight onto the angry exorcist. Successfully knocking Kanda to the floor Allen quickly activated his innocence and pinned the man to the floor before he could regain his equilibrium and continue his attacks. Both exorcists were breathing heavily, Kanda struggling beneath Allen's hand.

"I…what…you…what…why." Allen spoke between gasps of air conveying his confusion to the man underneath him.

"Che." Defeated Kanda stopped his futile efforts to escape but was nonetheless unwilling to talk. However Allen wanting to get to the bottom of the matter pressed on.

"Did my Master do something?" Kanda remained tight lipped to Allen's question, glaring angrily at the other exorcist. Gulping Allen asked a more specific question.

"Did…did he proposition you?" Allen watched with growing concern as Kanda though still glaring was now refusing to make eye contact while a red tinge had covered his face. Frozen to the spot neither exorcist knew how to continue.

A few moments later their stalemate was broken by a nervous cough.

Turning both exorcists caught sight of a finder standing hesitantly by the door, trying not to look at them. The finder was blushing bright red eager to flee from what was obviously a private moment.

"Sorry to interrupt, but, uh, Komui wants to see Kanda." Having delivered his message he swiftly exited. Allen was at first puzzled by the finder's hasty departure but a low groan from Kanda redirected his gaze, finally understanding the suspicious position they had been found in, his face also turned a bright red as he quickly scrambled to pull himself up no matter the consequences.

Luckily for Allen, Kanda's blood lust had dissipated for the time being and he quickly stood, carefully avoiding making eye contact with the other exorcist. Allen too busy trying to calm down his burning face missed Kanda's mortified blush as they both recalled the memory of their previous position.

Pulling himself together Kanda swiftly left the training room to see Komui.

Sometime later when Allen had made his way back to the library where Lavi was anxiously waiting for him, shaking his fist at anyone who came to close to the table he was guarding, Allen collapsed exhausted onto a chair.

"So, did you find out anything? What are you going to do?" Lavi's time alone in the library had not managed to subdue his enthusiasm.

"I think I'm going to have to kill Master." Bending forward Allen buried his head in his hands.

"Shall I go get my hammer then?"

-TBC-


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: As always thank you for the reviews! Because there has been a lack of Kanda in the story so far I decided to give him his own chapter, he likes to swear. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Eleven – Kanda's Chapter**

What. The. Fuck. He knew most of the members of the Black Order were idiots but now they'd gone nuts as well, especially the white-haired freak. It was like the idiot was following him, appearing randomly, and what was with all the foliage? The plain boxes he kept trying to hand over were suspicious too. Kanda was almost tempted to take one just to find out what was inside…almost.

It was all the idiot's fault, probably Lavi's too, all the strange things all came back to one event a couple of weeks ago. Staring passionately at the Moyashi, where the fuck had that come from? Like the freak was even tall enough to look in his eyes.

He'd gone to rest in his room after gracefully leaving the dining hall, locking his door firmly, although that hadn't stopped Tiedoll shouting through the door, trying to get him to talk about his feelings, Che.

He'd hoped that by the next day Tiedoll would have been more concerned about getting to know his new 'son' and would just leave him alone, instead he'd had to put up with Marie's protective looming, from what, he didn't know and Tiedoll's utter nonsense. What the hell did he mean by 'Don't worry Yu, Papa has taken care of everything." Even Komui had even run up and given him a hug before he'd run off again saying something about making a weapon to punish the unworthy.

He was extremely tired of the staring and whispering and the shoves when he would pass by a group of finders. A couple were even brave enough to approach him face to face although he had no idea what the fuck they were on about. Tricking Allen? Forcing him? Even more humiliating that Lenalee had been witness to one of the confrontations.

So evading…everyone, he had secluded himself in the meditation room, thinking he was safe, barely anyone knew the place existed. Which had worked until Moyashi had started hounding him…with flowers, obviously he slammed the door in his face, there was some joke going on that he wasn't aware of, a pretty big one considering how persistent the idiot was being. Especially when he tried to hand over the spiky orange thing, what the hell was it anyway?

Since his position in the meditation room had been compromised Kanda had gone back to his usual routine, even Tiedoll had resumed a more normal level of weirdness, and he was even getting used to the idiot's unwelcome but frequent intrusions into his life.

Then he had got back to his room one day to find a piece of paper that had been clearly pushed under his door, with honestly no idea who it could have come from. If anyone had something to say to him they could say it to his face, and if they were too scared to do that then they weren't worth sparing any time over.

He'd read the letter anyway just to make sure it wasn't important, he should have trusted his instincts and burnt the damn thing.

The white-haired bastard couldn't even write a straightforward letter and why did every other line rhyme? He eventually worked out the meaning of the letter that talked about his soft skin, long hair and rosy blush, obviously Moyashi was calling him a woman!

The next day Kanda had tracked him down and given him a truly manly reply! Although he hadn't used Mugen, he wanted to use his bare hands, for a more personal touch. He'd gotten a few days of peace after that, probably while the idiot's eye healed, every time he thought about his handiwork it brought a smile to his face, he'd even been so generous as to not damage the cursed eye.

Come to think of it he hadn't seen Lavi around much either…which was strange. He enjoyed the silence but then it was possible that the other exorcist was plotting something and was merely busy with his plans, that was a foreboding thought.

When the freak had approached him again he hadn't been listening to whatever it was he had said, he'd been distracted at the time, by Komui running past shortly followed by Lenalee with her dark boots activated. Whatever Moyashi had said however hadn't gone down very well with Tiedoll, who had been walking behind the younger exorcists as he spoke. In fact if it wasn't for the sound of Tiedoll's hand making contact with the idiot's face, Kanda would have forgotten that the exorcist had even come up to him.

The next confrontation with the vertically challenged exorcist Kanda would much rather forget. He was tired really and had closed his eyes for a short rest, really, that was what had happened. He hadn't panicked upon seeing his flower hallucinations which were visible to no one else for years suddenly becoming tangible to the point that he thought his heart had stopped and he'd collapsed. Then the next thing he knew he was face flat against the cold stone floor, Walker looking down at him shocked, lotus still in his hand. Finally he hadn't made half-hearted excuses before running away, with the idiot too shocked to realise that he was actually running away.

He definitely hadn't tried to cover up his embarrassment when Walker approached him again by trying to kill him immediately with the exorcist saying something about food. Was he asking him to dinner? Not likely, that was about as probable as the idiot walking up to him and screaming his head off for no reason.

He'd been a bit annoyed by the outcome of that event, somehow managing to loose Walker when he ran away, with the lack of Lavi, Kanda had no one to punch on a regular basis and since Moyashi got away he was once again left feeling high and dry.

But then it seemed like even that little run around the Order had managed to cause some imbalance in Walker's brain. The freak had tried to give him cat ears, not only that he'd refused to speak and was making some really unusual hand gestures…worse he kept staring at the ears in his hand and then at Kanda's hair almost longingly, a bit of drool dribbling out of the corner of his mouth.

So Kanda had to make a quick escape, making sure not turn his back to the other exorcist but not making eye contact either until he was out of arm's reach, specifically in case he tried to activate his innocence and attack.

When Kanda next saw the idiot in the training room he was obviously still suffering from some mental issues as he tried to meld his face with the wall, Kanda had let him get on with it. He'd been kind enough not to cause Walker anymore stress by attacking him although he had to glare at the idiot when he tried to get closer, again he preferred that the deranged man stayed at a suitable distance from him.

Walker had eventually backed off but not by much, watching him train, with a look of awe on his face, so he'd rewarded the younger man's admiration by showing him exactly what a competent exorcist looked liked. He hadn't been basking in the attention at all, the damn Moyashi. The gloves were nice though, really nice, good thing he hadn't shut the door in the man's face, if Kanda was anyone else he would have said Allen's gesture was kind of sweet and that he'd looked a bit cute when he feared for his life.

But he was Kanda so the gloves clearly showed that Allen had figured out he was a much superior exorcist who should be worshipped with gifts. So things had been starting to look up, and then the devil had appeared in the form of a red-haired General.

In a deserted corridor.

General Cross had smiled at Kanda as he proceeded to walk toward him, after he had called out to him to stop. If Allen had been there he would have been worried by that particular smile, he knew that smile, in fact he abhorred that smile, he had seen it often enough when they were in the company of women.

Kanda was confused but had turned to give the General his full attention, he would give the man respect for his rank if nothing else.

"General Cross." Kanda addressed the man who had come to a stop before him.

"Please, call me Marian, we have after all known each other for many years." The General had bared his teeth then, but Kanda wasn't to be intimidated, he stood his ground, staring straight into the man's eyes, which had obviously angered the man as he then tried to threaten Kanda by pushing him against the wall, entrapping him between the General's arms.

"Hmm, not shy are you? I like that. Definitely too good for my apprentice."

However at Cross's next comment Kanda had been thrown completely off guard, was it possible that Allen's mental problems were contagious and had spread to his moronic Master? If that was the case he would have to escape quickly otherwise he would be the next person the illness took hold of. He was prepared to let the man's behaviour slide in light of a contagious mental disease but then the man touched his hair.

He politely asked the General to let go, he was a General after all.

"I'd like to show you exactly what I am a Master of; my rooms and my bed are always at your disposal." Wait. What. What was going on? Did the…no, no, he couldn't be, What the fuck. He really needed to escape now, if only he hadn't been trapped by the—

Kanda hadn't squeaked that had just been the sound of the General's boots scrapping the floor. Even so Kanda had had enough, he was going to have to take his chances with the consequences of implementing bodily harm on to a superior and do what he does best.

One good solid punch and he was free, bolting it down the corridor not bothering to see the state of the man he was leaving behind, hopefully he had been knocked to the ground, best case scenario, the man had just eaten and would be throwing up.

Going straight to the training room, Kanda needed to work off some of the anger, if the General followed him there or even if his stupid apprentice showed up Kanda would not hesitate to kill.

Just like a bad rash the idiot appeared, and grudgingly Kanda had to admit he was fast on his feet.

Concentrating so hard on stabbing Walker with Mugen he was shocked when he was knocked to the ground and then pinned there by an enlarged hand. He had tried to get up but that had been a waste of energy so he lay there uncooperative while the idiot interrogated him.

How did Walker know about Cross? How did Walker know about the conversation? More importantly why did Kanda not want Allen to know? And why was he oddly pleased that he was concerned over him? What. The. Fuck.

Unconsciously Kanda noted that Allen wasn't really a midget anymore, apparently he'd grown since they'd first met, although he was still a bit shorter than him.

A nervous cough from the door distracted him.

Shit! Was that a finder? Shit, Allen was practically lying on top of him.

Wait…Allen had been lying on top off him…

He needed to go see Komui…

-TBC-


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Your reviews make me very happy.

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Twelve**

Kanda stood before Komui's desk ignoring the cluttered mess that was always present in the Supervisor's office with practised ease as he watched the Supervisor with barely concealed apprehension. Sitting up straight in his chair Komui focused all of his attention on the exorcist in front of him with a stern look.

"I'm afraid I've had to call you here for a very serious matter. It has been reported to me that you used unnecessary force against a superior, specifically General Cross." At these words Kanda refused to meet Komui's eyes, angrily staring at a particularly tall stack of papers.

"I understand, in fact I'm sure the whole Order understands that you've been under a terrible amount of stress recently and I can assure you that had I been aware of the true character of Allen Walker I would have kept a closer eye on him. Unfortunately I have failed to protect you from the miscreant and for this I am deeply sorry. However steps have been taken to alleviate your pain." Komui spoke grimly, angry at himself for his failings he gave Kanda a look of compassion.

Kanda was waiting for the punch line, suspiciously glancing around the room for any hidden recording devices.

"However your regrettable situation does not excuse your behaviour towards General Cross, a somewhat respected and valuable member of the Black Order.

The General has explained to me that he accosted you in a corridor on the forth floor following which he made a comment that was misunderstood and in response you used physical force to end the conversation.

Now I am giving you a chance to give your version of events, if there is anything you feel has been left out of this account please tell me now."

Komui clasped his hands together while he waited in silence, hoping the other exorcist would provide some explanation for his recent actions.

However Kanda was finding the very tall stack of papers very interesting and refusing to speak, he waited for the Supervisor to finish his admonishment for his behaviour.

Sighing in defeat at the young man's silence on the matter at hand Komui spoke once more.

"If you cannot give me some excuse for your actions I'm afraid I have no choice but to acquiesce to General Cross's demands. As punishment the General has requested that you assist him until he finds your character more agreeable. You will report to General Cross tomorrow morning."

"No, I won't do it." Kanda's petulant reply was spoken through gritted teeth alerting Komui to the fact that he would not comply with such a reprehensible course of action.

Finally having regained the exorcist's attention back from the stack of papers Komui sent him a beseeching look.

"Kanda…I want to help you but if you won't deny the General's claim I have to punish you, with all the past complaints about your behaviour I can't just let this slide especially when the complaint is from a General.

The alternative to helping General Cross is that your Innocence will be apprehended and you will not be sent on any missions until you can improve your countenance with the whole Order, particularly the people who have filed claims against you. You'd have to work through all the people contained within this file."

With his last words Komui placed a manila folder in front of him, so full of papers they were threatening to fall out of the folder completely. He then proceeded to place another folder slightly less full on top of the first.

Kanda's disbelief at Komui's words soon turned to anger as he the files were pushed into his view. Snarling he moved forward to swipe them from the table but grasped at thin air when the supervisor managed to pull them back just in time.

"Give me the files"

"I can't do that, unless you agree to make amends to all the grievances, confidentiality, don't want you killing anyone." Komui held the files protectively in front of his chest like a shield in case Kanda attempted to implement his own retribution with Mugen.

Instead however after he growled something in Japanese, the young man then practically ran out of Komui's office. Sighing in relief Komui quickly went through the files and took out his own complaints, he would burn them later, just to be safe.

**xxxxx**

In the library Lavi was happily looking over some blue prints of the Order Headquarters, planning the best route of attack. Content to let Lavi continue for the time being to keep him occupied Allen ignored him in favour of asking for Lenalee's advice.

She'd come into the library with Miranda while the white-haired exorcist had been clutching his head in his hands. Considering he'd been in that position for a good ten minutes it was thanks to their intrusion that he'd finally pulled himself back up.

However the female exorcists had yet to come up with anything that could give his mind any relief, in fact they were just as worried by General Cross's behaviour.

Any further attempts at comforting Allen were suddenly interrupted by the appearance of Jerry, who rushed over to them, slightly out of breath and looking a bit anxious.

"You need to come quick Kanda's eating cake. A lot of cake." Jerry spoke quickly but also quietly, trying not to attract any more attention to him; it was already a great surprise to see the man anywhere else but the kitchen and the dining hall.

At his entreaty, which was spoken to Allen, all four exorcists looked at him incredibly surprised.

"…but he doesn't like sweets." Allen's confused statement was overshadowed by Lavi's exuberant contribution.

"How much cake is a lot of cake? Are we talking a couple of slices or four? Because we need to work out how bad this is, he probably just needs some milk." The lack of humour in his voice suggested that he was completely serious in his assessment of the problem.

"I don't think you understand! He's past slices, he's on his third cake!" Jerry replied exasperated.

"Then we are going to need a lot of milk, but make it skimmed, don't want Kanda getting fa— Ouch!" Oddly it was Miranda who had whacked Lavi over the head before he could finish his sentence. Looking a bit sheepish she spoke timidly.

"He deserved that." Conceding her point the others once again ignored Lavi who pouted crossly but refrained from making any more comments.

"Why do you need me to come?" Allen asked Jerry, who appeared to become rather uncomfortable at the young man's question.

"Well, they are saying that he's in a bad mood because Toma accidentally interrupted your, um, your 'special' time together, so, um could you just go talk to him?"

"What? Where did that come from?" Gob smacked Allen stared in shock at Jerry, the other exorcists in contrast were staring at Allen in slight awe.

"Allen you have been making progress! Tell us what happened!" Lenalee exclaimed excitedly, forgetting Kanda's current predicament.

"Not really, we were just in the training room when-" Allen's attempt to explain the situation was quickly cut off by Jerry's restless cry.

"Can we focus people! Three Cakes! THREE!" Sighing in defeat Allen took charge moving towards the door while beckoning for the others to follow.

"Let's go."

Relieved Jerry soon overtook Allen.

Upon entering the dining hall it was fairly easy to spot Kanda, the wide berth that had been given to him by the other occupants of the room was a good indicator of where he was. Kanda didn't seem to care as he shovelled more cake into his mouth, a dark aura emanating from his figure.

As they moved further into the room an anxious Toma approached Allen.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but I had a message and it was the training room and I didn't expect…" Allen gave the finder an uncertain pat on the shoulder to try and reassure the man that it was ok, he would have to try and sort out the misunderstanding later, now was definitely not the time, especially as they had now caught Kanda's attention.

Unbelievably Kanda's countenance seemed to grow even darker as he became aware of the presence of the white-haired exorcist, the room growing colder as the Order members took a quick step back.

Throwing the empty cake platter Kanda found himself once again storming out of a room, the crowd parting quickly to make way, moving fearfully in synchronicity. However Allen was too busy nursing his head to take note of this particular feat of Kanda's. Though he did manage to hear Jerry's quiet assertion, which was so quietly spoken he could almost be talking to himself.

"You know, Kanda looks quite cute with chocolate smears on his face, but don't ever tell him I said that." Shaking himself out of his musings Jerry spoke to Allen.

"Thank you for coming to sort that out, good job." Having given his thanks Jerry moved to return to his regular station. The crowd realising the danger had passed also returned to their usual fare.

Allen slumped into the nearest seat and tried to work out what he done to anger the other man this time. His companions had also moved to sit with him and Lavi as always, was ready with words of comfort, which for once seemed to work, a small smile appearing on the white-haired exorcist's face.

"You know Allen, you should be very glad right now that General Tiedoll has disappeared off somewhere to go paint."

However the smile quickly slid from his face when General Cross strolled into the dining hall, heading straight in his direction.

"Ah, apprentice! Just who I was looking for, I've come to tell you the good news. Kanda has agreed to become my assistant, my very personal assistant. I'll be working him hard and long so don't expect to see me for a few days, now that doesn't mean that you should slack in your exorcist duties when I'm not there to supervise!" Having delivered his message with great pleasure Cross happily left the hall, just as suddenly as he had arrived.

After a few seconds spent frozen in shock Allen hurriedly bolted from his seat, following after his master hearing one last comment before he was out of earshot.

"At least this explains the cake, I would have eaten three too."

However Kanda's cake binge was of little concern to Allen as Cross's antics left behind a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach.

This couldn't be happening. Kanda was his damn it! He was the one watching and admiring the prickly exorcist, which answered his question of whether he could actually like the man. They'd even had 'special' time together, the whole order was talking about it! And the bastard thought he could just waltz in and steal Kanda, the asshole! He was a womanizer! Allen had to protect Kanda from the raging beast that was his master; Kanda was just too good for that low-life!

**xxxxx**

Cross moved pretty quickly and by the time Allen had caught up with the man he had already moved several corridors away from the dining hall, it was just another sign that the man was a demon, no human was meant to move that fast. Hoping to stop the General's movement Allen called out to him.

Having heard the younger exorcist's shout Cross stopped and lazily leant against the wall while waiting for Allen to catch him up.

"Missing me already?" Cross grinned.

Allen glared fiercely at Cross, his hands clenched at his side.

"What are you doing to Kanda?" Allen exclaimed angrily. Nonplussed at the younger exorcist's behaviour Cross answered him calmly.

"Don't you mean what do I plan to do to Kanda? Well, I'd hoped you would have learnt this already, but I guess it's time I gave you the talk about the bees …and the bees. When a man wants to get it on with another man, he'll invite him back to his room, using wine liberally to get the other man in the mood and lube to liberally-"

"STOP! In the name of all that's Holy, Stop! You stay away from Kanda! I don't know how you've managed to trick him but you leave him alone!" Interrupting his master's monologue, Allen attempted to assert some control over the General's behaviour.

"I can assure you my dear apprentice, I have him as my assistant with the full support of the Supervisor of the Black Order Headquarters. All perfectly legal."

"Don't you dare lay a finger on him, he's mine!" Allen spoke vehemently, unaware that he'd voiced his genuine interest in the Japanese exorcist for the first time to someone who was for all intents and purposes turning out to be his rival for Kanda's attention.

However Cross did not miss that Allen's feelings had undergone a complete change from antipathy towards the other exorcist to obvious affection and his voice hardened with his reply.

"I'm going to be brutally honest, stupid apprentice of mine. You don't know how to appreciate an ass that fine!" And with a final smirk Cross left his apprentice standing dumbstruck in the middle of a deserted corridor.

-TBC-


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Thank you for your reviews, next chapter!

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Thirteen**

A grumpy Kanda stood outside General Cross's rooms glaring daggers at the door.

He'd been accosted by Komui early in the morning, before he'd even had his breakfast to remind him to report to General Cross to serve his punishment as the man's assistant. More importantly the Supervisor had also gone to make sure that the younger man didn't take Mugen along and had confiscated his sword until he had finished his work with the General for the day. The only form of protection he'd been allowed to take with him into the lion's den was his golem, so if the bastard tried anything he would have it on recording and be able to report him.

The humiliation of having to show the recording to someone else would possibly be worth it if he would be relieved from the General's command.

He tried to remove the sneer from his face that had been fixed there since he'd encountered Komui, which clearly expressed his disgust at his predicament. However as he'd made his way to the General's quarters the rest of the Order attributed the sneer to his usual cheerful disposition. Giving up on such a useless endeavour Kanda knocked firmly on the door, immediately hearing the General's command to enter.

Roughly pushing the door open Kanda made his way to the couch that was placed in the centre of the General's living room, where Cross was lounging serenely and enjoying a glass of wine as he watched the young man. Smiling roguishly he addressed Kanda.

"My lovely assistant! Here at last!"

"General Cross." Kanda replied disgruntled

"Haven't we covered this already, call me Marian."

"General Marian Cross." At Kanda's reinforced sneer Cross's smile faltered for half a second, but he quickly recovered. Cross was confident in his abilities, but first he would check the package one last time.

"I appear to have dropped my boots, possibly under that table over there. If you would be so kind…" Cross motioned to the table opposite him, his request clear.

Eyes narrowing in distaste Kanda bent to look beneath the furniture in question.

"I do believe you'll have to get down on your knees to get proper leverage to retrieve my boots." Trying to act calm Kanda followed the General's instruction, leaning forward slightly, stretching his hand under the table.

Cross sat back and continued to enjoy the show.

A few moments later, having successfully retrieved the General's boots he dropped them at the man's feet and waited for his next instructions. However the General ignored his boots in favour of taking another sip of wine.

"Sit down, have some wine." Cross topped up his glass before sitting up to offer it to Kanda and patting the space beside him.

"I've been sent here to assist you in your work not destroy my liver." Standing firm Kanda at the glass with disgust, it was only 10 in the morning.

"Well I do insist that you assist me in drinking this fine bottle of wine." Cross was still holding out his glass to Kanda with one hand while he admired the bottle in his other.

"Che"

"Well if that's how you feel, on your knees, my boots are in need of a good polish." Cross reclined once more, leaning the bottle against his leg.

"You bastard!" Kanda exclaimed unable to contain his disgust at the General's undignified command.

"Oh my, it looks like you'll be keeping me company for quite a while."

**xxxxx**

Having confirmed Cross's story with Komui and having vainly tried to convince the Supervisor that having Kanda under Cross's command was detrimental to the Order, the World and Mother Nature Allen had then tried to find out General Tiedoll's current location. Unfortunately it appeared that as a rule the General's were much worse at checking in with Order then any other members.

He'd even tried to storm into his master's room, except that had been securely locked. So now all Allen could do was mope and hope Kanda could hold his own. He also wondered if luring the Millennium Earl and the Noah to the Order Headquarters would be too extreme.

**xxxxx**

So far Kanda had polished the asshole's boots, ironed his shirts, put his letters of debt into numerical order and fetched him his lunch. Oh and gotten him another bottle of wine. Whereas Cross appeared to do very little but lounge on the couch, drink wine and make unwanted advances towards the younger exorcist while he "read" a book.

Kanda was now giving the man a massage.

"What a wonderful wife you do make, but use a lighter touch, you don't want to be inflicting any pain on me now do you sweetheart?" Cross had reached up and grabbed Kanda's hands at his shoulder halting the younger man's movements as he spoke while simultaneously turning his head to smile at the young man. Kanda merely glared.

"Or maybe I should be giving you a massage, you seem awfully tense." Cross attempted to pull Kanda round onto the couch with him but only succeed in forcing the man to stand before him instead of behind.

"Don't worry, I have many skills, in fact why don't you let me play with your golem, I promise you won't be disappointed." At these words Kanda's golem fearfully hid behind Kanda, scared for its virtue.

"Touch my golem and die."

**xxxxx**

Dragging his feet in a desolate manner with eyes fixed to the floor Allen was aimlessly trailing around the Black Order Headquarters. He'd tried to sit with Lavi in the library but the man's overactive imagination had started to make him feel a bit nauseous so he'd quickly moved on.

Content to mope in this manner for at least the next ten minutes Allen's plans came to a sudden and slightly painful halt as he turned the next corner. Flying seemingly out of nowhere a figure barrelled into him quickly forcing Allen out of his daze, eyes snapping upwards he was staring into scared dark eyes a scant few seconds before he was being pulled along with the other exorcist's momentum. Wanting to keep his arm attached to the rest of his body Allen quickly adjusted and was soon running down the corridor heading in the direction of the Ark, his vision obstructed by long dark hair.

Various Order members were treated to the unusual sight of Allen and Kanda running through the building hand in hand, many of whom barely managed to move out of the way in time as Kanda recklessly raced onwards. Kanda's firm grip on Allen's hand refusing to leave the younger exorcist behind, whose breathless attempts to capture Kanda's attention went unheeded.

Eventually making it to the Ark, Kanda hastily dragged Allen through, his actions still a complete mystery to the younger exorcist. Once inside Kanda swung round coming face to face with the confused exorcist, using his free hand he grasped at Allen's shirt bringing their faces close together. From this new angle Allen could have admired Kanda's deep eyes or soft lips but at that exact moment in time he feared more for his safety. Anxiously Kanda's eyes scanned the room before settling once more on the exorcist within his grasp.

"Hide me! Hide me now!" Kanda spoke frantically, shaking the younger man slightly in his distress.

"Kanda what's going on?" Finally getting a proper look at the other man Allen's ire at his current position softened with concern.

"Questions later. Hide now! Or I promise I'll hand you over to the Earl myself complete with a ribbon and bow" Kanda's grip tightened on the shirt of the younger man, constricting him uncomfortably.

Easing the material out of the other exorcist's hand and acquiescing to his plea Allen quickly began to lead Kanda through the winding corridors of the Ark by their still joined hands. Turning back occasionally to check on his companion Allen was relieved to note that Kanda was calming down, returning to his normal stoic visage from the nervous façade he'd had when they'd fist entered the Ark.

A transformation that was complete by the time Allen had brought them to the 14th's room. Reluctantly letting go of the Japanese exorcist's hand Allen moved to the white piano that was the sole focus of the room and played a few short notes before returning his attention to the other exorcist. Noticing Kanda's look of confusion Allen pointed at the room's parameter from where they had entered. Taking the bait Kanda turned, his eyes widening at the sight of a completely blank wall, no trace of a door in sight.

"I can manipulate the structure of the Ark from the piano, this room currently doesn't have a door, no one will be able to find the room unless I allow it." That no one would be able to find the occupants was an obvious connotation implied by Allen's statement.

"Are you….Do you want to talk about it?" Hesitantly Allen asked Kanda who stood uncomfortably in front of him.

"No." Kanda replied tersely, taking a moment to look about the room. Spotting the couch pushed up against the wall perpendicular to the piano, Kanda flung himself down on it.

Turning on the piano stool to face Kanda in his new position Allen tried again.

"Did my Master do something again?"

"I DON'T want to talk about it!" Kanda replied adamantly, refusing to say anymore while a sharp silence permeated the room as Allen gave him a few moments to give him some sort of explanation.

"You've got to tell me something! Why are we hiding?" Conceding that Allen deserved some information regarding their current situation Kanda unenthusiastically spoke.

"Cross is a Bastard. Komui has Mugen. I can't find Komui." Once Kanda had finished with his explanation the two exorcists lapsed once more into an awkward silence. While a light blush appearing on Kanda's face as he reflected on his previous actions Allen tried to think of ways to break the silence and how he could kill Cross without suspicion.

Surprisingly it was Kanda who managed to make the first move, startling Allen out of his musings.

"Play something."

"Huh?"

"Play something." Kanda repeated his order staring intently at the piano.

"Um, yeah, I can do that."

Turning back to the piano Allen placed his fingers on the keys and glanced at Kanda who was waiting expectantly for him to begin. Feeling a little bit nervous he took a deep breath and then pressed down on the keys, becoming more confident as he lost himself in the familiar music.

Kanda watched quietly as Allen's fingers flew adeptly across the piano producing a sweet, soft melody, the sound reverberating in the bare room. The Moyashi seemed to become more confident with every note, sitting straighter with his fingers pressing firmly on the keys. Closing his eyes Kanda let the music wash over him, letting the past few hours of torment drain away with every new bar.

When the last few notes slowly came to an end Allen looked to his audience expecting some sort of scathing remark from the other man. However Kanda's head now rested on the arm rest of the couch, his arms folded beneath his head, eyes closed, breathing deeply and body relaxed in sleep, exhaustion from the day having overcome him.

Smiling tenderly Allen got up and walked to the man's side and gently brushed the hair across Kanda's face behind his ear, admiring the exorcist's softened features.

"You had to fall asleep." Sighing Allen moved to other end of the couch, sitting down with nothing to do he decided that taking a nap wasn't such a bad idea.

**xxxxx**

Allen snuggled closer to his covering, feeling warm and content, and a little bit aroused; he was after all a teenage boy even if he did spend most of his time trying to defeat the forces of evil.

As arms closed around his waist Allen pulled the warm weight closer to his chest, rubbing his cheek against soft hair while a leg slid against his own.

Sudden consciousness slamming the world painfully back into focus Allen let out a small 'eep', eyes snapping open as he bolted upright, his arms still wrapped securely around the body on top of him bringing the figure up as well. Looking down his face flushed a deep red as he stared nervously at fiercely glaring dark eyes and a red face that equally matched his own.

Hastily releasing Kanda from his grip Allen was roughly shoved off the couch and unable to right himself, he landed on the floor in a dishevelled heap looking up at an embarrassed Kanda.

"Tell anyone about this and I'll tell General Tiedoll you forced me." Morning glory instantly deflated Allen croaked out a reply to Kanda's growl.

"My lips are sealed."

Allen stared uncomfortably at the ground urging his blush to recede when his stomach let out a loud rumble. Embarrassed yet still oddly relieved Allen jumped up from the floor with a design of what to do next and moved to the piano.

"I'm going to get some food. Stay here?" Having called back the door Allen was about to exit the room when he was stopped by Kanda's voice.

"Get me some tempura." Allen stayed just long enough to see Kanda flop back down onto the couch, cheek pressed against the seat with his eyes resolutely fixed to the back rest.

**-Interlude of a Perverted Clown-**

Allen Walker was frustrated, very very frustrated. How was he supposed to successfully court Kanda when his Master seemed intent on ruining his life? He was sorely tempted to just use crowned clown to pin Kanda to a wall until he gave in to his advances.

Maybe it would be easier if he just pushed Kanda up against a wall. It would be easy to just hold him there with his transformed arm. Force him to submit, maybe treat him a bit rough, to show him who's in charge, and then he could just grind against him, with Kanda still pinned to the wall, to show him how good he could make the man feel, he had picked up a few tricks travelling with a Master like Cross. Maybe he'd get to give Kanda's ass a squeeze, he hated to admit his Master was right but Kanda had an ass that need to be appreciated properly. As did his lips and his ears and his neck, in fact all of Kanda needed to be properly appreciated and that was a job he was ready and most willing to undertake.

He would be happy to just cuddle together, feeling Kanda's warm body pressed against his own. Kanda looked surprisingly cute when he blushed making Allen want to just take him in his arms and keep him closeted away. Although he'd have to let him out to get his akuma killing kick every so often.

**-Interlude of a Perverted Clown-**

-TBC-


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Fourteen**

Allen had a plan, a very simple plan, he was going to sneak out of the Ark, run to the dining hall and get as much food as he could carry, including Kanda's tempura before running back to the Ark. But most importantly he was to do all of this without being seen by his Master.

He'd successfully made it out of the Ark without any problems, however before he'd even made it to the dinning hall his plans came to ruin, a hand on his shoulder keeping him firmly in place.

"And where have you been today, apprentice? Apparently no one has seen you anywhere in the past couple of hours." Although General Cross spoke nonchalantly Allen could still detect an underlying edge to his Master's voice.

"Ah, well, you know, here and there." Noticing that he was flapping his hands stupidly in the air Allen quickly lowered them and hoped he didn't look too suspicious.

"Oh really. Well coincidently in the same time you seem to have disappeared Kanda too has been missing in action. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this?"

"Kanda's missing! I thought he was meant to be helping you?" Allen plastered a shocked and yet concerned look onto his face and hoped Cross would be suitably appeased by his lies.

"Yes, well he's rather sprightly. So you have no idea where he is then?" Cross spoke his first sentence rather quickly not wanting to have to explain how he'd lost the other man.

"No, I haven't seen him all day."

"Not hiding him anywhere?" Cross continued to wheedle Allen.

"What? No! Of course not."

"You know it's a sin to lie, and you wouldn't lie to me apprentice, not to your dear, dear Master, who cared and nurtured you in one of your times of need, now would you?" Cross lowered his voice as he leaned in to Allen, staring intently at the young exorcist while also increasing his grip on the young man's shoulder.

"O-Of course not." stuttered Allen.

"Well since we've cleared that up, I feel I've been a little remiss in checking up on you since I've returned to the Order, so let's go for a drink." In a fraction of a second Cross's whole demeanour had changed with his voice returning to a less threatening pitch and the tight grip on Allen's shoulder turning into a friendly pat. His actions a cause of concern for Allen who was confused by Cross's easy compliance and a little suspicious that it was all just part of some nefarious plot to trick him.

"What. Wait a second, umm, what about Kanda?" Allen asked hesitantly not wanting Cross to restart his interrogation.

"He'll come out eventually, all in good time, now we go drink!" Throwing his arm around the younger exorcist's shoulders Cross began to move down the corridor, ignoring the exasperated look on Allen's face.

"But-but I haven't eaten anything yet!" Unwilling to spend any 'quality time' with Cross and even more unwilling to leave Kanda waiting alone in the Ark Allen hastily tried to think of some excuse that would enable him to run away. At least until he could let Kanda know what was going on.

"Good, best to drink on an empty stomach. Good forethought there young Allen, there's hope for you yet!" Cross seemed genuinely pleased by his apprentice's progress.

"I can't go!" Allen exclaimed almost desperately, resisting Cross's attempt to steer them further away from the dining hall.

"Why not? Unless you've got a hot date hidden in your room we should be good to go and we've already established that you are not hiding Kanda, haven't we?" Cross's arm felt a little tighter on his shoulders and his voice dropped slightly in pitch. Sensing he was returning to dangerous ground Allen hurriedly tried to remedy the situation.

"Of course I don't have Kanda hidden in my room, or anyone else for that matter. But, uh, I can't go. Not without…without Lavi! He's done so much for me since I've been at the Order Headquarters it wouldn't be right for me to leave him behind if you want to find out how I've been doing." Urgently Allen tried to think of an excuse and Lavi always seemed to be his last resort.

"Then we'll bring him along, the more the merrier!" Cross cheered up immediately and Allen sighed in relief.

"Great, okay, well you go look on the east side of building and I'll go look on the west side and we'll meet back here afterwards." Allen hoped that this would buy him some time and hopefully Lavi would take some work to find. Luck apparently was rarely on Allen's side.

"No need. There's the one-eyed freak now. Oi Bandana-boy, we're going drinking, have you eaten? No? Great! Neither have we! Leave the bandana behind, it makes you look like a thirteen year old."

Having apparently conducted a complete conversation without any input from Lavi, Cross was satisfied that they'd come to an obvious understanding and swaggered confidently towards the exit, an unenthusiastic Allen in tow. Although Lavi was offended on behalf of his bandana he dutifully removed it from his hair and trotted after them, after all he couldn't resist such a tempting offer.

**xxxxx**

"…and then I told him he could stick that in his pipe and smoke it!" Rancorous laughter broke out amongst the large crowd gathered around a table in the bar.

At the epicentre sat three highly trained exorcists in various degrees of inebriation. General cross, the current speaker, was in particularly high spirits. A young woman perched on his lap and a melee of women vying for his attention, with wine in hand he was in his element. His level of intoxication was a mystery to his companions, even though he had been plying them with alcohol all night.

Lavi sat opposite the General with his mouth stretched into a wide grin that he was unable to remove; he didn't even understand what was so funny, only laughing because everyone else was. Fairing not nearly as well as Cross his glass dangled precariously from his fingers as he swayed slightly in his chair. Trying to bring a halt to his movements which were starting to make him feel a bit dizzy he leaned sideways, resting his shoulder on young Allen, who sat next to him, for support.

Turning to face Allen, Lavi whispered conspiratorially in a loud voice to the other man.

"Pie can be sweet or savoury!" Having spoken his thoughts that had been plaguing him for the past few minutes Lavi giggled happily.

Allen smiled benignly at the giggling exorcist, after the second bar he had found everything seemed so much better, he was even finding Cross to be quite agreeable. He couldn't understand why he'd been so hesitant to drink the first couple of glasses of wine that Cross had forced down his throat.

Accepting a refill from a brunette who was pouring out more wine Allen admired her long hair, reminding him of a foul-mouthed exorcist with a penchant for violence. Getting caught up in thoughts of the Japanese exorcist he smiled dopily at the young woman, who backed away quickly. Not noticing the young woman's hasty movement Allen continued to stare love struck into thin air, staying stuck in his own little world until a strangled voice coming from his armpit and a few meek slaps brought him back to reality.

"Canshn't bweathe!" Lavi gasped in large amounts of air as soon as he was released from the younger exorcist's headlock and moved further down the table.

"Boys, boys, none of that, not when we're in the presence of ladies and such lovely ones at that." Cross smiled indulgently at the crowd of women whose attention returned to him after watching the younger men in unease and promptly swooned. With one smile he'd managed to simultaneously reassure and arouse all the women in a two metre radius. The blonde on his lap had practically fainted. Next to the other two exorcists he looked far more refined and suave, drawing in even more women.

However the night was still young and there were many more establishments to visit in this area, one the locals called the 'red light district', therefore it was time to move onto their next facility for amusement.

Cross slid the woman off of his lap, passing her over to lean on her friends and stood before a busty brunette could take her place. Walking around the table he grabbed the other exorcists by their scruffs and lifted them to their feet, throwing his arms around his two companions, coincidentally steadying Lavi before he fell back down.

"Well ladies it looks like we're in need of some fresh air, the pleasure, I can assure you, has been all mine." Winking at his dejected audience Cross manoeuvred his trainees towards the door amongst many cries for him to stay.

Nearly making it to the exit their progress was impeded by the proprietor of the establishment, a burley, seven foot tall man with a fierce face, the only thing standing between the three exorcists and the door. Allen and Lavi instantly felt a little more sober.

"Ah yes the bill, how could I forget!" Though Cross's charms were working at full blast they held no sway on the now glaring man.

"Please be so kind as to forward all our charges to a Mr. Tyki Mikk. T-y-k-i M-i-k-k. Thank you. Rest assured on my word as an exorcist this man really does exist. If that will be all, we must take our leave." Far from satisfied the proprietor reluctantly moved out of the way after noting down the name of their sponsor. Cross tilted his head in thanks and swiftly left the bar.

Once on the street Cross turned to get a look at his companions.

"Fresh air already seems to be working, no need to stop for coffee then. I think our next stop should be a little more…robust." Allen and Lavi more relaxed since they'd left the bar nodded enthusiastically at the General's plan, even if they had no idea what it entailed.

Ten minutes later they were hustled inside "Ye Olde Tavern" and treated to the sight of three barely dressed barmaids dancing on the tables, several men cheering them on. Apparently when the General said robust he was referring to downright bawdy behaviour.

"Ah, this will do nicely. Apprentice go get us the drinks tell them to put it on a tab to be sent to Mr. Sheryl Camelot." Pushing Allen towards the bar he pulled Lavi further into the crowd and easily joined the cheering audience. Lavi couldn't believe his luck.

Not one to be overlooked for long, as soon as Allen had returned with their drinks, passing pints round to the other men, Cross was spotted by the female contingent of the tavern. One of the three dancing barmaids taking it in her stride to make the exorcists feel welcome.

"New in town boys? I want to hear all of you joining in with our next number and I'll have none of you regulars slacking off either aye?" A loud shout of approval was provided by her rapt audience before she continued.

"Well then boys raise up your glasses and sing with me. _Well, show me the way, to the next whisky bar_…" General cross stood immediately with the other patrons, glass high in the air, swaying and singing with the crowd.

Looking at each other before shrugging the younger exorcists soon joined the crowd mumbling, trying to learn the words as they went. When one song ended one of the crowd would offer a new one, teaching the words before a full scale performance.

So drinking as they sang and becoming friendlier with the crowd they quickly merged in with the regulars. Lavi had an arm thrown around the shoulders of a shopkeeper singing their hearts out, Allen was clinking glasses and dancing with a barmaid and a baker while Cross had an arm wrapped around a barmaid and his other around another young woman.

Noticing that they were becoming short of new drinking songs having sung two renditions of The Alabama Song consecutively, the lyrics now ingrained into the young exorcists' heads, Lavi spoke up, letting go of his companion who stumbled at the loss of his support. Walking to the front of the crowd he began to teach them his lyrics which were welcomed earnestly by the drunken onlookers.

Ten minutes later Lavi had the whole tavern on their feet belting out his lyrics as loud as possible, Allen and Cross included.

_The way you grip a sword makes my heart flutter,_

_And oh how it thrills me to see you slice through akuma like butter._

_With long dark hair that kinda looks blue,_

_Tied back with a ribbon that really suits you. _

_Oh oh Kanda, my sweet Kanda Yu,_

_No one can fight the way you do._

_I can't, no I can't help but stare,_

_At the way you use such a masterful glare._

_Your strong punches make me black and blue,_

_But it's reassuring to know your hits always strike true._

_Oh oh Kanda, my sweet Kanda Yu,_

_No one can fight the way you do…_

Coming to the end of the song the crowd let out a great cheer and riding such exaltation Lavi jumped onto a chair and raised his glass while he shouted to the horde.

"A toast! A toast to sweet Kanda Yu, who if he was here would surely have killed me by now! HIP HIP…"

"HOORAY!" Shouted back the cheerful gathering. Allen and Cross joining in, standing together arm in arm.

**xxxxx**

Back at the Order Headquarters, in the forest, Kanda suddenly felt irrationally self-conscious and irritated even though moments before he had been happily slashing his katana in a series of complex executions. Feeling disorientated Kanda re-sheathed his sword and leant against a tree as he caught his breath.

-TBC-

A/N: The song the barmaid starts to sing is The Alabama Song it's covered by The Doors, I'm not sure who produced it originally, but basically it wasn't me. On the other hand Lavi's "song" I can definitely take credit for.

General Cross is wrong, very, very wrong, the best time to drink is not on an empty stomach, don't do this.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Courtship for Dummies**

**Chapter Fifteen **

Kanda had been lulled to sleep by the sound of Allen playing the piano, his head resting comfortably on the couch arm-rest as the memory of General Cross's attempt to give him a prostate examination faded away to just a very, very bad dream…

Some time later, Kanda, uncomfortable with his position hunched on the arm rest of the couch, but still half asleep and keen to fall back into a deep slumber shifted. Stretching his body across the length of the couch he rested his head by the opposite arm rest that he'd been leaning on, and nestled into the warmth radiating from the couch below. Too tired to question why the couch was warm and oddly squishy Kanda was soon fast asleep.

When he began to wake up a second time, feeling warm and content he'd held on tightly to his coverings not quite ready to fully return to consciousness as he was altogether completely satisfied by his current position especially when the couch pulled him in closer, creating a comforting cocoon. That was until a girly scream and sudden movement alerted him to the fact that couches weren't supposed to have arms. Shocked and angry at the rude awakening Kanda glared fiercely up at the stupid moyashi before roughly pushing him on to the floor.

Kanda was embarrassed; an emotion of rare occurrence in Kanda's life, as most situations could be either ignored or beaten into submission with his katana. However in this instance Kanda found he was unwilling to make eye-contact with the younger exorcist, instead he listened to Allen's movements as he shuffled around the room.

Lying back down on the couch Kanda heard Allen disappear in search of food, leaving him alone to stew over what had just transpired. Rather then abating his embarrassment now that Allen had left, it had risen as he realised he hadn't been that angry about the sleeping arrangements but rather the fact that he had been woken up. Glaring at the couch he pushed these thoughts out of his mind as he waited for Allen to return.

Having waited somewhat patiently for ten minutes Kanda was starting to feel a bit annoyed, fifteen minutes after that and he was furious. There was no way it would take this long to go to the dinning hall and back again, especially since Jerry could cook with superhuman speed. His embarrassment was thereby completely wiped out by his rage; he couldn't believe the moyashi had ditched him, after all his I'm going to save everyone in the world crap, he'd just run away. Kanda needed his sword and he needed it now.

Storming angrily out of the Ark, Kanda forced his way in to the Supervisor's office and retrieved Mugen before making his way out to the forest for some much needed exercise.

Although Komui had seen Kanda attack his room, from a safe distance of course, before he had run off, Komui decided it was safer to let Kanda keep his sword. It was common knowledge anyway that General Cross had left the premises. Besides Komui had a pretty lady waiting for him in the courtyard which definitely took precedence.

**xxxxx**

Leaning against a tree to rest after a serious workout Kanda heard shuffling noises coming closer through the foliage, the sounds indicating that whoever else was in the forest had come to a stop a short distance away from his resting place. Intent on doling out punishment to the unfortunate intruder Kanda was about to attack when he heard a familiar voice.

"Your Shnugglebunny thinks you're very cute, and if anyone so much as looks at you there will be hell to pay! Because you're my Cutiepie, the cutest Cutiepie ever and I love you so much which is why I even wore this pink thong for you, but shh we don't want any of the Order to know about this."

Feeling slightly nauseous Kanda turned tail and ran, not wanting to hear anymore epithets of love. Kanda just wanted to go to bed and forget this day had ever happened.

**xxxxx**

The room, bathed in moonlight, was completely silent apart from the sound of deep breathing coming from the occupant of the bed that stood beneath the window. The quiet of the room extending out into the corridors as the late hour meant that very rarely would someone be traversing through the hallways of the Order's living quarters as most of the Order would be asleep by now. The room's inhabitant was no exception, sleeping with his infamous sword tucked under his pillow. However the peace and quiet would soon be interrupted, much to the occupant's chagrin.

A loud ruckus emanating from the corridor roused Kanda immediately from his slumber, his first instincts telling him that the Order might be under attack. However as the sound increased becoming more understandable he changed his evaluation of the situation, he doubted even the Noah were so eccentric that their plan of attack was to sing god awful lyrics in the middle of the night.

The words "_Oh oh Kanda, my sweet Kanda Yu, No one can fight the way you do…," _were shouted loudly through his door, the singers still holding the last syllable in a long drawn out whine when Kanda threw open the door, sword in hand to reveal two jubilant exorcists, leaning on each other for support.

**xxxxx**

Cautiously Allen opened his eyes, blinking blearily as it took a few moments for him to adjust to the sunlight beaming in through the window. Taking a good look at his surroundings Allen concluded that last night he had somehow managed to infiltrate Kanda's sanctuary, his memory of the night before a little vague.

At that particular moment in time however he had more pressing matters to attend to; the rhino dancing the fandango in his head, his arms tied behind his back preventing him from getting up off the floor and the sock that had been wedged in his mouth. Allen's only consolation at his painful and humiliating arrangement was that Lavi was lying next to him in a similar condition, groaning in pain.

Spitting the sock out of his mouth didn't seem to improve the conditions as it still felt as if something had died in his mouth, not to mention that his eyes hurt and his whole body ached and he really, really needed to use the loo. Groaning Allen turned to Lavi giving him a light nudge. Lavi groaned in reply.

"Need to pee. Badly. Help untie. Quick." Thankful that Lavi was able to understand his plea they frantically shuffled about on the floor until they had successfully managed to free themselves. Once free both men stumbled out of Kanda's room, moving in as much haste as they could currently manage towards the bathroom.

Having finished with the facilities Allen left Lavi, staggering back to his own room in need of more sleep. Crawling back into his bed he sighed in relief as his muscles relaxed slightly and he dozed off.

The next time he woke up it was in much better conditions, sleeping in an actual bed having eased his suffering to some extent, although he still had a headache and was feeling nauseous. Too lethargic to get up Allen lay on his bed and tried to remember what had happened the night before.

_**Flashback**_

"Ladi, Bavi, Dadi? You with the one-eye! Have I ever told you how muw… how much I love you man? You too my sadistic Master. I…I…really love you, all of you, in fact I love you too table, and chair, and I especially love yoouuu!" Speaking lovingly to his glass Allen took another gulp of wine. They'd moved on from "Ye Olde Tavern" but Allen could no longer comprehend words and so he had no idea of the name of their current location, but that didn't bother him. All he knew was they were at a bar, where there was wine and women.

Finishing off his drink he studied his now empty glass, holding it up to the light to make sure it was completely empty and not some evil trick of the Millennium Earl. Nearby Lavi was happily slurring to one scantily clad woman.

The bar man had already called out the last orders a short time ago and even though it was getting quite late the bar was not lacking in patrons especially with General Cross drawing in a crowd of women. Therefore when the bar man signalled it was time for everyone to leave a groan of displeasure rose from the bar's inhabitants. Putting up a bit of a fight they were finally ushered out of the building.

Somehow making it back to the Black Order headquarters, Allen and Lavi stumbled against each other struggling to stand straight on their own. They had spilt from General Cross back at the last bar, losing him to the crowd and a pair of very pretty identical twins.

Swaying together, they moved through the corridors, singing hearty drinking songs and having decided that the night was not over yet, they made their way towards Kanda's room, intent upon honouring him with their presence. Not even given the chance to knock on the door, it was flung open by an irate exorcist bearing a sword.

At the sight of his object of affection Allen promptly let go of Lavi, lurching forward he suddenly grasped Kanda's shoulders, bringing their faces close together. Lavi now forgotten had collapsed at the loss of Allen's support, sprawled on the floor he was abruptly overcome with tiredness and was soon snoring deep in sleep. In contrast Kanda was now wide awake, his body tense at the unexpected actions of the younger exorcist.

Smiling happily up at Kanda, Allen opened his mouth, looking at Kanda with complete adoration the whole time he spoke.

"Kanda, you're sooo cute and adorable. I like you when you're adorable. You should be adorable more often, yes, yes you should. Makes me want to hold you close and keep you safe. I could protect you? Protect you from Cross! I especially like it when you're all hot and flustered from fighting. But most of all I just like you." Shocked at Allen's sudden confession Kanda stood frozen to the spot, eyes wide in surprise; he didn't even notice that his katana had fallen to the floor. Allen however wasn't finished yet and moved one of his hands to gently cup the others man's face, their lips almost touching.

"I like you, my sweet Kanda Yu." And by whispering these last words to Kanda, Allen had finally used up the last of his strength, falling to the floor, he passed out.

_**Flashback**_

Cringing at the hazy memories of the night before Allen tried to suffocate himself with his pillow. After all it would be impossible for Kanda to kill him if he was already dead.

**xxxxx**

While Allen was suffering both physically and mentally Kanda was otherwise occupied, with thoughts of Allen currently pushed to the back of his mind.

Barging his way into Komui's office he had demanded that his tenure as General Cross's assistant come to an immediate end. Sighing in exasperation Komui removed his feet from his desk and put down his mug.

"Kanda, we've already gone through this, that's not how this works, you have to stay as the General's assistant until he is satisfied. Have you tried talking to the General about this?"

"Che"

"Well then there is nothing I can do." Looking at Kanda, Komui felt a chill run down his back, instead of the expected glare Kanda was smiling.

"Are you telling me Shnugglebunny can't do a thing to help? Even with his special underwear?" Gulping involuntarily Komui quickly regained his composure.

"I can see your behaviour has improved greatly, there's obviously no need for you to endure spending anymore time with General Cross. Now run along." Content with his victory Kanda left Komui on the hunt for a certain General.

Although Kanda had intended to find Cross and rough him up a bit, he had discovered that the General wasn't even in the Order headquarters. In fact he'd heard from the various Order members that he'd threatened, that Cross hadn't returned to the Order since he'd been seen leaving the day before with Allen and Lavi. Concluding that he could wait Kanda headed for the dining hall.

With thoughts of how he could cause Cross pain running through his mind as he ate Kanda was once again given a wide berth of space by the occupants of the dining hall. They were rather fearful of the smile plastered across the face of the normally dour exorcist, choosing to stay as far out of his reach as possible. Lost in his own world Kanda didn't notice the nervous behaviour of the other Order members.

It was during this time that Allen wearily ventured into the dining hall, walking straight into Lenalee as he had screwed his eyes shut at the pain of the sudden onslaught of noise of the dining hall.

"Allen? Are you okay? Do you want to sit down?" Lenalee touched his shoulder uncertainly, specking with concern.

"Uh, sorry Lenalee, I'll be fine in a second, just need to get used to the noise."

"Are you sure?" Lenalee was still concerned, unconvinced by Allen's words.

"Yeah I'm feeling better already." Opening his eyes Allen looked up to give Lenalee a reassuring smile.

"Allen. What happened to you yesterday, everyone's saying you disappeared with General Cross and didn't come back till really early this morning." Lenalee asked curiously.

"I'm not really sure…but I think I may have done something stupid." Allen spoke slowly as if he was trying to remember everything that had happened the night before.

"Oh?"

"I need to talk to Kanda." Grimacing Allen decided it was better he talk to Kanda first before asking for advice.

"Well, okay. Um, he's over there, that table over there which everyone is avoiding." Twisting around to survey the room Allen quickly spotted Kanda as Lenalee gestured to him. Cringing at the sight of Kanda's smile, a sense of impending doom flooding through his body Allen turned back to face Lenalee.

"Maybe I'll talk to him later?" However as soon as these words had left his mouth, Allen noticed the rather threatening figure of Marie standing nearby cracking his knuckles.

"On second thoughts, now looks like the perfect time." Taking a deep breath to strengthen his resolve Allen took his first step into no man's land and the crowd hushed in trepidation.

Slowly he made his way to the table that Kanda had occupied; coming to a stop next to the older exorcist he tried to attract Kanda's attention.

"Kanda?" Allen called out hesitantly to the older exorcist who seemed to be oblivious to his presence.

Kanda, who hadn't noticed Allen's approach, quickly snapped his head to face Allen, shocked. Instantly the smile disappeared from the man's face as thoughts about the white-haired exorcist that he had been able to conveniently forget assaulted his mind.

Face turned stoic, Kanda determinedly avoided looking at the other exorcist, resolutely looking forward instead, where he was confronted with a crowd of Order members staring avidly back at him. One fierce glare later and they had all returned to their own activities, although they attempted to discreetly keep watch. Lenalee who was nonplussed by Kanda's glare remained openly staring at the couple.

Grimacing in disgust Kanda gripped his chopsticks tighter as the moyashi took a tentative seat next to him instead of going away. Staying firm Kanda persisted in keeping his head turned away from the other exorcist. Allen on the other hand had twisted his whole body round towards Kanda, babbling relentlessly.

"Kanda? Kanda? Please look at me. I'm really sorry about yesterday. I was going to return, I promise, but then General Cross turned up and he was looking for you and I was trying to protect you, but then he ended up dragging me out with him and if I didn't go he would have found you, but I really didn't want to go, I would have much rather have gone back to the Ark and stayed with you, but Cross took us to so many drinking spots, I don't even remember all of what happened last night, but I know there was lots of wine and beer and whisky and I got a bit drunk, okay more then drunk, and when we somehow made it back to the Order I really wanted to see you, I'm not saying that makes my behaviour excusable but I want you to know it wasn't to annoy you, so I'm sorry, about everything. Kanda?"

Looking imploringly at Kanda Allen could see out of the corner of his eye Lenalee giving him an encouraging thumbs up. However Kanda remained stoically frozen in place.

"You could punch me if that would make you feel better." Allen watched with hope as a look of consideration passed across Kanda's face but that soon turned to distress when Kanda abruptly stood up and walked away.

Distraught Allen dropped his face onto the table, closing his eyes he tried to block out the sounds of the cafeteria. Concentrating on calming his churning stomach Allen was unexpectedly jolted upright, by the clatter of a dish dropped in front of him, and he stared dumbstruck at the plate of mitarashi dango. Looking up he gawped in astonishment at his companion.

By now Kanda had recovered his previous position, focusing on his own food. However at Allen's persistent stare Kanda deigned to give the other man a haughty glare. Smiling gratefully at the obvious expression of peace Allen picked up a skewer. Not quite up to the task of eating, a lingering affect of the alcohol, Allen heroically forced the first dango into his mouth, chewing and swallowing all under the watchful eye of Kanda, and consequently the rest of the dining hall who were watching in awe.

Apparently satisfied Kanda stood once more, this time walking straight out of the door.

As soon as he was out of sight Allen hastily dropped the skewer, taking deep breaths and holding his hand over his mouth to stop himself from throwing up.

A few moments later when Allen had recovered, he was finally able to discern that while Kanda might have been satisfied by the outcome of their proceedings he had a very protective "brother" who was making his way closer, that wasn't. Definitely not ready for a fight Allen fled after Kanda.

Taking a chance Allen had gone directly to Kanda's room first. Lucky for once Allen had found Kanda sprawled on his bed, his door left unlocked in his haste. Stunned at the exorcist's sudden entrance Kanda sat up watching curiously as Allen closed his door and boldly sat beside him on the bed. Kanda's dishevelled state producing an overwhelming sense of tenderness for Allen as they both sat in awkward silence before Allen spoke.

"I meant what I said last night, I really do like you." At Allen's softly spoken words, his meaning clear, Kanda's eyes drifted downwards as he studied the floor. The room once more cloaked in an awkward silence.

"You can call me Yu," Eyes still firmly fixed on the floor Kanda's words were said tersely.

"Huh." Of all the responses Allen had expected that one hadn't been on the list. Confused he studied Kanda who seemed agitated by his response. Appearing to make up his mind, Kanda moved impulsively to place a chaste kiss on Allen's cheek before whispering in his ear.

"I like you too."

The crowd cooed for a second time at the scene that was replayed from the mouth of a chubby gold golem in the dining hall where the Order members had gathered to congratulate Allen in his endeavours. On the other side of the room Kanda was unaware of the free show he was indirectly giving the Order again as he tried to fend off General Tiedoll, who was trying in vain to bestow an affectionate hug on his 'son'.

Nearby Allen not wanting to intervene in Kanda's family time was equally distracted by his Master.

General Cross had returned to the Order not long ago smelling distinctly of women's perfume and following the loud ruckus had made his way to the dining hall to find Kanda torn between chasing Timcampy and threatening Allen with his sword. Having lost sight of Tim while he glared at Allen, Kanda had focused his attention on 'berating' the young man until he had been violently caught in the hold of General Tiedoll.

Feeling energised by such a sight Cross had begun to walk towards his apprentice. Almost by Allen's side Cross however was stopped by the voice of another exorcist, his question also attracting Allen's attention.

"General Cross! You've got to be feeling a bit down by all of this, eh?" Smiling benignly Cross calmly addressed the hyper-active red-head.

"Oh? Why would you say that?" A little confused Lavi quickly gave an explanation.

"Well, you wanted Kanda as well right? But now he's definitely with Allen and technically that means you lost to your own apprentice right? Allen, what are you doing?" While Lavi was speaking, Allen had been frantically gesturing, moving his hand side to side across his neck to tell Lavi to shut up. However with Lavi's ignorant question Allen hesitantly moved closer, smiling nervously at his master.

"Nothing, just an itch, heh heh." Cross taking it all in his stride and appearing nonplussed, suavely answered Lavi's question.

"Of course not, it was my plan all along to help my treasured apprentice capture the man of his dreams. I was just providing young Allen with the motivation to get a move on." Even though he smiled proudly at Allen, both of the younger exorcists doubted his sincerity and the real reason for his attention towards Kanda.

Unable to keep smiling in such a manner for long Cross's smile soon turned into a more comfortable predatory look, already in search of some new entertainment.

"Besides I prefer less violent and more cheerful red-haired men." Lavi took a step back, uncomfortable with the look the General was throwing his way. With Allen and Kanda completely forgotten, Cross took a step forward following Lavi's retreat.

"So, shall I give you a tour of my bed room?" Panicking slightly Lavi scanned the room looking for a means of escape. Spotting Bookman, Lavi quickly ran over to his side, Cross hot on his heals.

With a serious countenance Bookman carefully looked over first his apprentice and then General Cross, immediately understanding the look on the General's face, expression remaining unchanged he spoke calmly.

"As long as there's no permanent attachment, remember you're a Bookman." The older man nodded his approval and turned back to his previous conversation.

"Excellent." Cross gleefully replied.

Staring in disbelief at both Bookman and Cross, Lavi backed away before turning tail and fleeing, this time with the General following at a much more sedate pace. Grimacing at Lavi's plight Allen hoped he survived.

Turning to see how Kanda was faring Allen discovered that Kanda had some how managed to escape from Tiedoll and that the General was now making his way closer to him with a stern look upon his face. Dreading any further confrontation with the General, Allen quickly manoeuvred through the crowd, taking refuge in a dark corner of the room where he would be obscured from sight. A spot that was already occupied by an irate Kanda staring gloomily at the crowd.

Giving Kanda a tired smile Allen slowly took hold of his hand giving it a comforting squeeze that was tentatively returned as they waited for the moment to make their escape undetected from General Tiedoll who was still on the prowl.

**xxxxx**

In the newly built Ark of the Noah, the Millennium Earl was confused and annoyed as he sorted through a variety of invoices.

Here he was, trying to build an army of akuma, retrieve the 14th, bring about the end of mankind, all while looking for new baubles for his hat, and all his devoted Noah seemed to be doing was going out drinking in disreputable bars and pubs. Even his precious Road was not exempt from such behaviour, how had she even managed to get served?

Sighing disappointedly the Earl decided that he would have to gather all of his Noah for a family dinner to discuss their questionable behaviour.

-End-

A/N: The last chapter! I could have made this in to two chapters but I thought I'd let you have one big one. Thank you for reading, I know there aren't many Arekan fans so I hope you did enjoy reading this fic, and also thank you so much to all the people who reviewed.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: simply anonymous asked if I would consider writing a oneshot of the Earl's meeting with the Noah, so after quite a long time I thought I'd write a little extra scene. The second scene is of Allen discovering Kanda's actual age.

Thank you to ArAnCaR No.6 for drawing the scene of Kanda eating cake in Chapter 12, the link is on my profile page

**Courtship for Dummies ****Extra scenes**

**The Millennium Earl confronts the Noahs' recent behaviour.**

It was not often the Millennium Earl called the whole Noah family in for a meeting, in fact the last time, as far as Tyki could remember, that they had gathered in this manner was when the '14th' had betrayed them and then disappeared. The Earl had been particularly distressed at the time, calling all of the Noah family to him for comfort.

Now as they sat gathered uncomfortably around the dining room table, forced to share the chairs as there were not enough to go round, Lulubell was in cat form trying to save space, Tyki wondered if they were finally going to get started on those plans of bringing forth pain, and suffering, and ultimately an end to all life on earth. Taking another look at the Earl he didn't think it was very likely. The Earl was not smiling in his normal manner, but neither was he bawling like a baby, Tyki shuddered involuntarily as he remembered the last family gathering; he'd had to throw away his best shirt after it had been soaked in the Earl's tears and snot.

Instead the Earl was looking rather grim. He had watched the Noah file into the room without a word, or a hug or some sort of flamboyant display; even Road was being kept at a cold distance. When they had all been seated, in a manner of speaking, the Earl had risen from his chair, taken two steps away, opened his mouth and then closed it again before returning to his seat in front of the assembled Noah.

He then reached slowly into his coat, pulling out a larger stack of papers which he slammed angrily onto the table in front of him. The Noah remained confused by the sudden display and waited silently with baited breath for the Earl to explain his ire. They did not have to wait long.

"My Noah, look at my face." To add emphasis to this command the Earl sombrely raised his hand and pointed at his mouth.

"I am not grinning manically. In fact there is not even a hint of a reserved smile on my face. THIS DISTURBS ME GREATLY!" At the Earl's angry shout Lulubell skittered to hide behind Road while the others tried not to make any sudden movements. Still pointing at his mouth the Earl lowered his hand to rest heavily on the stack of papers as he continued to speak.

"Here beneath my fingers lies the source of my discontent. Would you like to know what it is? Yes, I'm sure you would." Without waiting for any response from his captive audience the Earl proceeded to explain to the Noah what abominable information the seemingly harmless pieces of paper held.

"What I have here is bill after bill after bill for various establishments of a nefarious nature; pubs and bars, with tabs for ludicrous amounts of alcohol and dancing girls." Here the Earl paused giving a few moments for all the information to sink in and allow the Noah to understand where his grievances lay. Except the Noah didn't really understand much, except the Earl had been spending quite a bit of money on alcohol and dancing girls.

"Did you think I wouldn't find out?" queried the Earl. "That…that you would just get away with this type of behaviour? Well what do you have to say for yourselves? Road even you have at least five invoices with your name on it!" Comprehension finally dawned on the gathered crowd, but not a single Noah could fathom where these bills had come from and Tyki was pretty sure he'd gotten hold of all his recent bar tabs before they had reached the Ark.

When no answer was forthcoming from his Noah, the Earl could no longer contain himself and spewed out exactly why he was upset.

"Why didn't you ask me to come too? Didn't you think I would also like a night out? Enjoy a few drinks away from the daily bump and grind of producing more akuma." The Noah were completely floored, when they had been called for a meeting this had definitely not been what they were expecting. Unfortunately it was Wisely who tried to comfort the distressed Earl.

"I don't drink; it messes with my extra eye. I wouldn't have gone to a pub and asked you to join me for a drink." Wisely bluntly stated. Spinning to focus solely on Wisely the Earl was not particularly happy with the Noah's explanation.

"Well then no more lollipops for you little girl!" he shouted angrily at the Noah.

Sheryl, a Noah of considerably more tact then Wisely, well he had to be in his line of work, rolled his eyes at the other Noah's faux pas and decided to intervene on behalf of the whole Noah clan.

"Ah, yes, well what Wisely is trying to say is that he wouldn't ask you to have one drink, he'd ask you to have as many as you like, isn't that right Wisely?" Sheryl smiled winningly at the Earl while entreating Wisely to confirm his story. However Wisely was being particularly dim that evening and did not seem to understand the reason for the alteration of his initial statement.

"Well no, what I was sayin—ow" Luckily Tyki was quicker on the up take and hastily elbowed Wisely before he could say something the whole Noah clan would regret.

"He agrees with what Sheryl has just said with every fibre of his being, in fact he is so overcome with conviction he can no longer speak and I must answer for him." Tyki hoped that they could just get this sorted as quick as possible as his left ass cheek was starting to go numb as he balanced on the edge of a chair and having Wisely speak was obviously not speeding up the process.

While Tyki spoke the Earl visible relaxed, a hint of a smile starting to return to his face. Noticing this Sheryl quickly dealt the final blow before anyone else could speak.

"There, my dear Earl so now you know that we would of course welcome your company and I would not hesitate to buy your first drink." At this statement a full smile returned to the Earl's face prompting Sheryl to get to his feet and make a hasty exit before anything could go wrong.

"All this excitement seems to have made me quite faint, I think I'll need to go lie down, but we'll go for a drink, definitely, just name the day." Fanning himself lightly Sheryl made for the door before he had a sudden change of mind and quickly grabbed Wisely, lifting him from his seat.

"Oh my, Wisely seems to be looking pretty faint too, he better come with me." Not waiting for anyone to speak Sheryl turned and walked confidently out of the door, a disgruntled Wisely under one arm. Watching him in slight awe the rest of the Noah took his exit as their cue to make their own excuses although a few remained with the intention of staying for dinner now that the danger had passed.

The Earl meanwhile sat back in his chair with his reinforced grin while trying to decide when he would be available to head out for a few drinks.

**Allen discovers Kanda's age**

It had been a couple of days since Timcampy had officially outed Allen and Kanda to most of the order and Allen was keeping Lavi company as the red-head tried to evade General Cross and his unwanted propositions. At that particular moment they were hiding in Allen's room and so deciding he was in a somewhat safe place Allen thought it was time he got a few things off his chest.

"…but I mean Tiedoll was acting crazy, not that I really expected he would be normal but he was just a little too crazy over protecting Kanda's virtue." Actually taking a moment to think about Allen's concerns rather the responding straight away, mostly because it would ensure he had something to do for longer cramped in a confined space, Lavi spoke contemplatively.

"Well, it does kind of make sense, Yu-chan is only 9 years old, oh wait he's 10 now, and General Tiedoll is his guardian, so you could say it really is like he's Kanda's dad." However his musings were quickly interrupted by an odd choking noise originating from his companion. Moving to sit up straight from his reclined position on Allen's bed Lavi helpfully patted the younger exorcist's back who was at that point trying not to swallow his tongue.

"Hey, Moyashi? Allen? You alright?" A few moments later and Allen finally attempted to speak in a strangled voice.

"What do you mean he's only 10 years old? That's not possible; he's too tall to be only 10 years old!" Nodding understandably Lavi relaxed back on to the bed while he replied.

"Yeah, the Order does like to mess with people quite a lot." Eyes wide Allen was not comforted by Lavi's words.

"Oh god, I'm a paedophile, I've been courting a 10 year old, I'm going straight to hell!"

-End-


End file.
